Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Is this what you felt?

Photo by aussiegall

I have been nervous and worried and hopeful about this time. In just a matter of days we will have the answers to the BIG question...will she stay or go? So today I am will things work out? Will she be ok if she has to leave me? What will her live be full of? Will they love her as much as I do? Will they remember to check on her while she sleeps? Will they come to take her out of her crib once she is awake even though she is so quiet and not fussing? Will they remember to feed her good food and take her to the doctor for well child check's? Will they see all that I see in her? Will they see how special she is and see all of the wonderful little things she can do? Can they appreciate her beauty and her sweetness? Will they help her understand who she is and how loved she is by so many? Will they help her grow into what she is meant to become?

I want to hold time still forever...keeping her here with me just like now. I want to wake up every morning to her huge grin and little jabbering voice. I want to see her arms held out for me with her little fingers wiggling for me to come and pick her up! I want to watch her as she discovers new foods, new abilities and has new adventures. I want to do her hair every morning and make sure her skin is being taken care of just like we always do.

I think of how it will be if I have to say goodbye to will I bear it? I think of things I could send with her...clothes to warm her, pictures so someday she will see what a beautiful baby she was and she will see with our own eyes how much we love you. I wish I could send everything...every toy, every blanket...everything that she has loved here with us.

I have wondered the past few weeks if all of these feelings and worries and hope I have had in my heart is a little of what my special Birth Mother's felt as their time to place drew near. I understand more why you wanted to send special stuffed animals that were yours when you were little...I understood before...but now I really understand. I know I will never know all you have felt...but I want you to know how much I love you and how incredible I think you are! You had such courage...such strength. I look to you right now as my examples. Thank you for doing something so hard! I love you!

And thank you to my little Baby A. My life has changed in ways I never dreamed. Your life is a gift and blessing to many but I think it has blessed my life most of all! No matter what the next few days bring...I will always look at this time with you as some of the most special and meaningful of my life!

For now I will look forward having faith knowing the Lord has a plan for my Baby A.
I Love you Cute Face!


Mandee Lue said...

Oh, Brenda, that was precious. Thanks for sharing, and God bless you for all you do for these precious kids. Love you!

Anonymous said...

brenda, this was beautiful and well heart breaks knowing that you might lose your angel baby, i will pray for you...i could never imagine going through thoughts are with you

Adrienne said...

Thank you for sharing this adds a new light to what our birthmothers were feeling. You are so insightful!

Leisha said...

This is so sweet. And knowing now that you have to say goodbye it brings tears to my eyes. You are an amazing woman. I don't know how you do it.