How to say "Goodbye" when you Foster Children.

Ashanti came with us to the 2008 FSA National Conference.

While looking for a certain picture I was browsing through photos stored on my computer.  I didn't find the one I needed but I came across these pictures. I have been thinking about Ashanti all week  and seeing these pictures brought back memories, made me wish things were different and made me sad and happy all at the same time.

There are so many things I miss about her.   But I am so grateful I get to miss them and I didn't miss out on knowing her.   She is a treasure that I keep in my heart and someone I will always love.  This week I day dreamed about getting a call from her Dad saying he wanted us to adopt her.  Even 4 years later I would be on an an airplane to Florida in a heartbeat!  

Today I want to share with you a post I wrote last year. 

How to say "Goodbye" when you Foster children.

Pictures at the last court date...the day we thought the judge might say she would get to stay with us.  Sadly this didn't happen.

I have known I wanted to post on this topic for a while and I felt this was the right week to do it but I have put it off all day because it is a hard subject.   Ashanti turned 3 this past Tuesday and she hasn't been in my arms since she was 8 months old but even after all this time it hurts and I miss her.   I still dream of getting a call from her Father telling us he wants us to adopt her.

I know that call isn't coming. So I try to focus on all the of things Ashanti gave us and taught us and what we were able to give her.

When you love a child but then have to let them go there will always be pain but that doesn't mean you will die when you do it (even though you feel like you will die).   The following things helped me while we transitioned Ashanti over to her Father during a 2 week period ending with me dropping her off at the airport to her Father where he took her to Florida to live.
1.  Letting myself feel everything.
During this difficult time it is important to cry if you fee like crying.  Scream, punch pillows....let your feelings out.   For me it depended upon the day...some days I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore and then I cried more.   Other days I was angry.   Sometimes I would take time for myself in my room so I could grieve in private.  Whatever you feel allow it to come out.
2.  Talk, talk, talk and talk some more.
During this time while Ashanti was with her father for more and more hours each day I spent alot of time on the phone.  I talked to my Mom and Sister alot.  I talked to friends on the phone or outside in my neighborhood.   Sometimes talking about it helped me.    There were sometimes I didn't want to talk and those times I would just keep to myself.   But I did find a great amount of therapy while talking.
3.  Write:  blog, journal....whatever works for you.
My blog saved me in many ways.   I needed a place to vent where I could say whatever I wanted and no one would say anything back.   I needed to express what I was feeling and going through.   I found the online support incredibly helpful during this time.   Those who read my blog became a life line to me.   I am so grateful to my readers for their friendship and love during this time.   You can read my posts about Ashanti and Chevey here, here & here.
4.   Find an escape.
Right about the time we were transiting I got my copy of "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer.   This book became my "escape".   While Ashanti was with her Father I would curl up in my bed and allow my mind to get sucked into the story.   I also found myself taking naps.  Sleep, reading and movies allowed me to take a mental break from the pain and the anticipation of the final goodbye.   This became an important part of those 2 weeks.....it was so painful I had to have some way to think about something else for periods of time.   When Ashanti was home with us every minute was filled soaking in her sweet smell, her cute face and giggles.  it truly was an emotional time!
5.  Special things to send with the child you love.
I found some comfort preparing some items to send with Ashanti.   We purchased a stuffed Elephant for Ashanti.   We give all of our Birth Mothers a stuffed Elephant to symbolize our "never forgetting".   So we decided to give one to Ashanti too.   I also prepared a large storage container full of her favorite blankets, crib items, clothes she would be able to use soon  and anything else I could fit that would help her Father as he started a life as a single father or an infant.   Sending formula, baby items etc brought comfort to me.  
6.  Special keepsakes just for you.
I kept a bunch of items that mean alot to me that Ashanti used while she was here.   I included the last pajamas she wore (I can still smell her on them)...

the last night at our home, the washrag we used to bath her and the paper she crumpled up in her hands as she struggled with her very first time away with just her Dad.   She had a very hard first visit and came home looking emotionally drained.  It broke my heart.  I don't know why I keep the paper...it makes my heart hurt when I see it.  She was hanging on to it when he brought her back home...but I keep it.

   That is the most painful item...everything else makes me smile.    Everything makes me miss her.  Even right now it is hard to write this.   Even thought it hurts it was worth it...she is worth it!   I am so thankful for the time we had! 

7.  Celebrating what was right and good.
Try to focus on all the happy memories.   While Ashanit and Chevey are not part of our family...they are part of our hearts!    No one can take that away from us.  
8.  Knowing you did something good.
One thing that helped me as I drove away from the airport after handing Ashanti over for the last time....I had an overwhelming feeling in my heart that we had done something good.   We gave Ashanti so much love and gave her a great start.    The pain is witness of that!

No one can get through something like this without pain unless they never loved. 
To those who are going through this and to those who are afraid to foster even though they want to....
I know this is hard but you can do it!    So many children need love....so many children need people like you to help them during one of the hardest times of their life.   Let your heart lead....don't let fear stop you from being a foster to adopt parent!
Your life will change in ways you never dreamed and your heart will be filled in places you never realized had holes. 

 "If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders."
~ Andrew Harvey 

The Day that Changed How I Look at the World.

This is a "rerun" post.  But as I was looking through past posts I felt impressed to share this one today.

(This was written March 10th 2009.   FYI:  We call Ashanti "Our Favorite Baby" because she touched each of us in our family....as a family this is a special name we have given her.)

One year ago my life changed as I got a call from DCFS to come and pick up a brand new 2 day old baby girl from the hospital.
I knew she was going to be an African American baby...not because anyone told me....I knew because the Spirit had prepared me.
Why did I need that type of preparation?
Well because I always had this HUGE question in my mind from the first day we started the adoption process.
"Could I bond to a child who didn't look like me at all?"
I really really worried about this.
I don't really know why....but it was the question that weighed on me.
Filling out prefrence checklists was a nightmare for me....I bawled and bawled over this one question.
As time went on my scared feelings lessened.
Then sometime before Camden blessed our home I had those fears leave me almost completely.
I didn't know why...then.
I started to desire a child with a different racial background....I really wanted a call about a child who who's skin didn't look just like mine.
Then Camden came....his Birth Parents are CC along with other races.
But ironically he still looks alot like us.
Then as we started to do foster care we were open to all races.
But I did have that last tiny worry in my head....
"if the child is AA will I be able to bond....AA skin looks different than me....would it all be ok?"
Well then we got a call about a little 12 month old girl who was AA.
I had to talk to Brad before I said yes...but by the time we got to discuss it and called the worker back this little girl had been placed.
I felt sad.
And then I KNEW...I could bond with a baby who didn't look anything like me.
I knew if we got another call like that the answer would be an instant yes. Brad and I decided it was ok for me to use my judgement on who we say yes to...we didn't want to lose another great opportunity.

So on Feb. 10th 2008 when they called about a little 2 day old baby girl (race unknown) I knew she was going to AA and I knew we wanted her.
The first time I saw her I loved her and the love just grew each day as I fed her and held her and cared for her.
The first 2 weeks it was just me and her up at night...pretty much all night.
The first couple of months I had to hold her so she could sleep.
I was very tired but she needed me.
But what I didn't realize at the time was that
I needed her.
In those 8 wonderful months that we parented our favorite baby I was able to understand love on a new level.
Love doesn't see the color of someones skin or see the differences.
Love see's the similarities.
All of those classes that I took about adopting transracially...they told us about the differences so that was all I thought about....except for one class. Kathy Searle's class taught about finding the similarities.
I remembered her lessons as I held this precious baby girl.
But even if I hadn't remembered her class, love was teaching me what I needed to know.
As I held Baby A. I laughed at myself as I remembered how much I use to worry about bonding.
In the end there was nothing to be worried about.
Motherly love came into my heart for her just like it did for all of my children I adopted.
Bonding is a learned behavior...it doesn't come from genes, or birthing and it doesn't just happen for Mom and Babies that look alike.
Bonding is a gift that comes from our Heavenly Father...a gift given to each Mother who wants it.
Ashanti changed my life.
I see the beauty found in each person as individuals and I know that my heart will love any child who comes into my life.
She also brought some special new friends into my life...friends I probably wouldn't have found here in Utah.
In the end it was me who needed her.

For those who may be hoping to adopt and are struggling with the "preference checklist".
Learn from my lesson......be open to all and trust the Lord.
He will help you overcome any fears you may have if you ask.
The Lord loves ALL HIS CHILDREN who come to the earth.

By the way..for those who wonder..Ashanti is doing really well.
She has many people who love her and caring for her.
I am grateful for these people.
They continue to call or email me updates.
I have been blessed!
_________________________April 3, 2012 Update on Ashanti.
Ashanti's Aunt keeps me posted on how Our Favorite Baby is doing.   She is not a baby anymore.  She is a beautiful preschooler.   Our love for her continues to be with us and we still talk often of her and pray she is thriving and being loved.   I still wish she was "my" baby but in my heart she always will be mine.   I am  grateful everyday that Brad and I chose to open our hearts to Foster Care. 

For those who are pondering over fostering....let go of your fears, take a step forward and your life will never be the same.   You will find your heart grows with each child wether they stay with your forever or go back to their bio family.    When you become a postive foster parent you bless the live of each child you welcome into your home.
 "If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders."
~ Andrew Harvey


Here are a few posts about being a foster parent.
Have you thought about foster to adopt?
Making Foster to Adopt Work.

Adoption According to Brenda - Making Foster to Adopt Work.

Pictures of our final goodbyes to Ashanti before heading on a plane to Florida with her Dad

In 2006 Brad and I took classes to become foster parents.  The classes were great and we learned a great deal...more than I counted on. But one of the most important things I learned was the importance of being a positive Foster Parent.
This can be hard sometimes...especially when your ultimate goal is to adopt a child.
You don't want to have to say goodbye to a child you love and saying goodbye is even harder when you see that the level of care they are going back to is not the same level they get when they are with you.  
This is hard....there is no other way to say it... 

it is hard! 

Here are a few things you can do to help make your fostering experience better.

1.  Remember each child is a son or daughter of God.   No matter if they stay with you or go back to family what you do with them while they are in your care makes a difference in their life!   Each act of love and service you give to them is building a better future for them.
2.  Remember that a child is not "yours" until a judge tells you they are.   Take in each child with love and respect but also with the idea that they will leave.  Don't tell your other children that you "might" get to adopt this child.   Help them learn that it isn't a bad thing if they go back to their family....help them plan on it happening.  Then if the child happens to stay with you then they will be excited.   If they go back to family your children will be prepared.   We continually told our children the different alternatives...but to plan on them going back home.  We learned when we went through saying goodbye to Ashanti how important it is not to set up expectations within yourself or in your children.   Even if a caseworker says that it is starting to look like the case is going to plan b (adoption) just move forward like you are still on plan a (reunification).   
3.  Think of the Bio parents in a positive light and develop a positive relationship with them.  Look for their good qualities.   This may seem impossible but it isn't.   When you can develop a positive relationship with the bio family you are helping not only the child but the parents too.   Some people just need someone to believe in them...believe that they can change.   I have a brother who changed from a drug addict of many many years to a very hard working citizen who loves life and is trusted once again by those around him and by his family.    It doesn't matter what drug they have been doing or the bad decisions they have been making....anyone can change.  If you are having a hard time finding something positive try to think of someone in your life who has struggled with addiction or something difficult and treat the bio parents as you would have wanted your family member or friend treated during their hard time.
(I realize there are a few situations where a good relationship will not happen and change will probably not occur...safety is always number one when deciding how to interact with the bio parents.)
4.  Help the caseworker work the reunification plan.  Don't hinder the process.  Be as flexible as you can without jeopardizing your own family.   You will find your caseworkers appreciating you more.   We have had this experience and had caseworkers thank us for being flexible and for not causing problems with reunification.   They then told us they would keep our family in their minds if they had a child who needed an adoptive family.   When you are honest and are kind and follow the plans that are made it helps things move forward which is important to all involved.
5.  Keep in very regular contact with the child's attorney.  The court will appoint a "Guardian Ad Litem".   They are so very important to the child and the case..the ensure the best interest of the child are being met.  Email them once a week to give them and update.   Email (in my opinion) is better than calls or in person meetings because you have a record of what was addressed.   This would also be true for corresponding with caseworkers or anyone involved in the case.  
6.  Most of the time a child is placed in your care before you ever meet the Mom or Dad.   If this is the case write a letter to the parents telling a little bit about you.   How you will care for the child etc.    Then ask the caseworker to forward it on to the parents.  This will put the parents mind at rest and start a positive relationship from the beginning.

In the end you need to make your fostering experience a positive one for the child or children that come into your care and for your own family.
Not every situation is going to be easy or perfect.   You are dealing with hard issues and matters of the heart.   But I know if you focus on creating a good experience you will touch many lives....and your life will never been the same!

Last picture of Ashanti with my kids.
Isn't she beautiful!

One year ago today....

I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
I kissed Ashanti goodbye.
I honestly can't believe it has been a year.
We all still miss her.

We still talk about her and we remember all of the fun moments.
Camden, who didn't get a chance to say goodbye, asks about her often. We were driving around this week running errands and while stopped at an intersection Camden asked if the buildings off to the left of us was Ashanti's house. To him those buildings looked like the hotel she stayed in with her Dad. Camden misses her.

I remember wondering if I could really say goodbye to a baby....it was our big worry going into foster care. We have said goodbye to two special babies...both now live in Florida. Chevey (aka "little edward) moved with his parents to Florida a few weeks ago. I got a call after they left so I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him. That has made me sad. But I did get time with him after he went back to his parents for which I am very grateful.

I had no idea how much it would hurt to say goodbye.....just like I had no idea how having them part of our lives for those months would touch our lives so much. Ashanti and Chevey changed our lives...changed our hearts and we will never be the same.

Nine months after saying goodbye to Ashanti a brave and courageous young woman sat before a judge and had to listen to relinquishment information over and over again (have you ever read the papers....the wording feels so brutal) and the judge went over the concept of relinquishment over and over again in many different forms and yet this brave girl sat and endured. She proclaimed that she wanted her baby to have the life she didn't get...she wanted him to have a happy life.

What a difference a year makes. Within 9 months we said goodbye to 2 babies and hello to our baby. My friend always tells me "your life can change in a day"....she is so right! Life can change quickly. While we are still sad about not having Ashanti here.....we know she is ok. We can look back with happy hearts and remember her. Today we celebrate the opportunity to have Spencer in our life and we can see we have learned so much over the past couple of years.

If you are waiting, hoping, praying and trying to find the child that is meant for your family....just remember your life can change in one day!!!
I hope today is your day!

My heart burst open...

"If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders."
~ Andrew Harvey

I miss this sweet baby!
I read this quote yesterday as I sat in a class at the Utah Foster Care Foundation in SL County.
I thought of Ashanti...and I realized there are so many things that make me think of her. She has impacted my life in a way no one else could!
I am doing better...but I really miss her!
The nice thing....hope has regained my heart.
I love Hope!

Closure

I was in court again today...only this time it was for Baby A's case.


This is NOT my favorite judge.
When I am in this court I feel like I am looked upon as the enemy. I think this is a sad reality of fostering. Some foster parents have given fostering a bad name....they haven't been so great or try to "sabotage" the case so it will go in the direction they want. (At least this is what I am told) I am guessing this could be why this court feels like it does. But I have no idea. I feel like the attorney for one of the parents thinks of me as the "enemy" as well....he barely acknowledges me. Bugs me! I have been nothing but nice and have done all I could to make the transition for Baby A. as easy as possible and yet I am still the enemy. I would like to see this guy be a foster parent.

Ok I am off my soap box for a moment.

Today Baby A.'s case was closed. I didn't have to go to court but I needed to for my own mental health. I needed to see the end. I am glad it is over. I am happy for Baby A. and her Dad that they can go on with life. I called the Dad up afterwards and congratulated him and we talked. He is still ok with maintaining contact for which I am grateful! He sent his love to me and my family and I feel he is being genuine.
I am grateful our relationship has stayed positive...that is very important to me and my family.

So the case is closed..we saw it through to the end, even in those moments I thought the case was going to end me. :) Not really end me...but the grief has been intense. I did emerge from this case a new person, a better foster parent and a greater understanding of how love grows. So while the case is closed....my heart isn't. It is open to whomever comes our way.

The very BEST thing about court today was the little tiny babbling voice I heard in the background. This is the wonderful thing about modern technology...I could hear my favorite baby all the way from Miami Florida. Baby A. was jabbering and talking as her Dad was on the phone with the court. She sounds fun, sweet and happy!
That was worth sitting in the unpleasant courtroom.

2 Courtrooms, 2 cases in 2 days.
Time for Chocolate! :)

Struggling

I feel like there is this timer ticking my time with Baby A. away. I look at her for longer periods of time, I hold her more, I just want to be with her and watch her play, sleep and eat. I don't know how much longer I can take the wondering....I feel like I am waiting for an appointment to have my heart ripped out. I am feeling it alot tonight....the anxiety!! I want A. to be my baby forever and I dream of being able to say she is "mine". And then I think of her bio family who also want her and I feel guilty. I am sure this isn't easy for them either.

I also feel stressed when I miss the bio families calls....I feel bad that I missed 2 calls today. I didn't hear my cell phone ring. So now I will worry about those missed calls until I can call back tomorrow....just part of my "worry" mode I am in right now. When I return the calls I am always a little nervous....I want the conversation to well. I want them to like us. More stress....more pressure I put on myself and yet I don't know how not to do it.

I knew this was going to be hard but I really didn't understand how much I would love this little person!!

I don't want to say goodbye!!!!

I know this is a strange post....but I just need to get these thoughts out somehow.
I try to be strong but tonight it is hard.....forgive my ramblings.