***
When Brad and I first entered the world of adoption in 1998 we
had a few fears. One of those fears was that we would be chosen by a
Birth Mother but then after the baby was born she would decide to
parent. As we came to understand more about adoption our fears eased
but there was always that worry.
In December of 1999 a sweet Birth Mother named Stephanie chose us. Her
baby was 1 month old and she felt very strong about her decision to
place. Unfortunately her family did not support her decision and after 6
weeks of hoping the placement would still happen we received the final
word that she had decided to parent. This news was hard but we
understood and felt love for her. There was no anger…just sadness in
what we would never be for us.
As the initial feelings of disbelief subsided strong feelings of grief
took over. Brad handled the loss better than I did. I remember
getting up for work in the mornings and my body felt like lead. It was
so hard to function. All I wanted to do was sleep. I remember many
times I would go into the pink nursery and hold and rock the cute little
clothes we purchased for what we thought would be our daughter. I
would sob and let feelings out in my alone moments in that special
room. After a while I just kept the door shut. I remember one night
I was up to use the bathroom and I thought I could hear a baby
crying. It was strange and I thought maybe I was crazy. I moved
through life in a haze and was full of deep sadness. I felt so alone
and sad and wondered if I would ever be a Mother.
July 2000 we had the incredible opportunity to be blessed with a baby
girl. Brenley came into our lives and we have never been the same.
We were blessed again in October of 2002 with another baby girl. Haley
brought us great joy and we felt so blessed to be parents to 2 little
girls.
In December of 2005 we were contacted by 2 Birth Mothers. Talitha was
only 5 weeks along. A few weeks after our first contact with her she
met with an
LDS
Family Service worker and we were placed on “firm hold” with. We
knew it was early in the
pregnancy
to be on firm hold but we had been through a long hold before and we
were blessed with Haley so we believed it could work out. We spoke on
the phone, chatted online for hours at time. We had correspondence of
some type almost daily for her entire pregnancy. Around 20 weeks we
drove up to Montana to be with her for the ultrasound. It was an
incredible experience and we learned we were to be parents of another
baby girl. We enjoyed finally meeting Talitha in person and had a
great time getting to know her. We left
Montana feeling happy and excited about her and
the new baby girl we planned to name Elizabeth.
Upon our return to Utah we continued contact with Talitha. We started
noticing as the delivery day approached that she was putting space
between us. Things started feeling a little off but she reassured us
that she was still planning to place. One day after not hearing from
her for a few days I felt prompted to look on the hospital website where
I found the picture of the baby we thought was going to be ours.
She had given her a name and I knew she had decided to parent.
We sent her an email and she replied and said how sorry she was. She
had a story as to why, claiming it to be the birth father. To this day
I still don’t know the whole story and will never know but the story
didn’t matter…we respected the right she had to parent her baby. We
still loved her and wished the very best for her and her little
family. But this was a very hard loss. To be with her the entire
pregnancy and be as prepared to love and parent this little baby and
then to have empty arms, empty bassinet and untouched diapers,
clothes….it was very hard.
It was also hard to fall in love with this Birth Mother and then to lose
her.
We tried to maintain a friendship but it was hard. There were some
things said and unsaid that hurt us deeply. I thought we could keep the
same friendship but for whatever reason it was really hard. I had to
let go a bit and I think she needed time away from our chats so she
could have time with her baby and her new life as Mommy to two little
girls. I tried to touch base with her as time went on but the last
time I tried she didn’t reply. It took a full year to come to terms
with this loss.
It wasn’t just a loss of a baby, it was also the loss of a special
friend.
It hurt a great deal but it truly took a year for the full impact of
what had happened to come upon me. I feel like this was a gift so that
I didn’t have to feel the full loss all at once.
While we were waiting for this baby to be born we were busy building a
house. We were so excited to have a new baby to bring to our new
home. We pictured ourselves going to church with our three precious
girls. We made plans for the nursery. …there were plans for
everything. The first few months in our home was full of firsts and
full of thoughts about what would have been. There was suddenly an
extra room, all the baby items had to be stored in the basement rather
than in what would have been the nursery.
We had exhausted all our “finding” ideas while we were trying to find
the right birth mom and had done so much, so at this point I felt no
direction on what else we could do to help get ourselves out there
again. It was a period of time where I felt lost in some ways.
In December 2006 we received a call from a girl who had contacted us
just a few days before Talitha had. Her name was Samantha and she had
gone back forth about placing but in the end she decided to parent. We
had an instant connection to her from her first email so when she
decided to parent we thought maybe we were just meant to be her friends
and support her emotionally as she parented. She gave birth to Camden
(the same name we had decided on for our first boy) April 17, 2006.
She even called us right after she delivered him but before delivering
her placenta. You could say we both felt this invisible string that
tied us together but we didn’t really know why. We maintained this
special friendship. Her call in December of that year was a different
call….one I will never forget.
She felt Camden belonged with us.
Placement happened a few days later on Camden’s 8th month day. It was a
joyous occasion that helped us see the Lord had plans for our
family….he was preparing the best gift for us. We were never left
alone. All that time I thought I was lost and wondered why inspiration
on what to do next wasn’t coming…the Lord was telling us to be still.
We had done all we could do and He was taking care of the rest.
(Camden’s entire story is amazing. You can read more by
going here.)
Our 3
rd failed placement (spring of 2008) was a easier to
handle. It was a married couple who didn’t feel they could handle
another child. Their marriage was a little rocky and finances were
difficult. I started to prepare for this little baby. We were
especially excited because this would be Brenley’s birth cousin who
would be joining our home and we already loved Brenley’s Birth Family so
it felt right. The baby was due in August and we were all very happy
about it!
In May 2008 we learned they would be parenting. It was sad to have to
put the baby items back in boxes and to realize there would be a baby
coming to stay but we were also excited for this little family. This
would be their first boy after 3 girls. While I didn’t grieve a great
deal over this loss I did have some sadness and some thoughts of what
might have been.
Out of all 3 of our failed placements this was by far the easiest to
handle and we felt joy for this special Birth Family.
Failed placements are difficult and unique when it comes to grieving.
You don’t just grieve what might have been.
You don’t just grieve the loss of the baby that you thought was going to
be yours forever. You also grieve the loss of that special
relationship that can be found between a Birth Mother (or Birth Family)
and the Adoptive Family.
While a friendship is definitely still possible and very rewarding it
doesn’t feel exactly the same as that kind of sacred bond you develop in
those special circumstances you all find yourselves in together. It
is a hard loss and it can take time and care to get through the grief.
The following are some ways we have dealt with grief:
Give yourself time
Don’t feel like you need to
hurry and put away baby items or pack away the nursery. Sometimes
grieving over items helps get feelings out.
Don’t
feel pressured to be at activities or gatherings…do what you feel like
doing don’t try to do things to please others.
Pamper
yourselves…if you have been putting off a vacation this is a good time
to do it. Go do things only couples can do.
Find an outlet for your feelings and a way to take a
break from thinking about it.
Talk, talk and talk some more
if you feel like it.
Write…in a journal, notebook, create a blog.
Read
books that take you away from your life…or read about others going
through similar circumstances.
Listen to comforting music…or
music that is upbeat and fun.
Go to a movie or rent an old
favorite.
Attend the temple.
Special Note: If you already have children in your family remember to
help them as they grieve. They will feel the loss too. Let them talk
about it, ask questions, draw pictures, play with
baby dolls (in certain
ages) or buy them a special doll just for them to take care of until a
placement happens. The kids will often fall in love with the Birth
Family too. Let the kids write letters or draw pictures for the (would
have been) Birth Mother/Family. Allow them to draw pictures or send a
gift to the baby if that is something they would like to do.
Our family has struggled through 3 failed placements and they were hard
but when a door closes a window opens. We have been blessed with 4
incredible children through adoption.
We have learned so much along our journey and we have witnessed
miracles. There will always be some failed placements in adoption but
when things are right it will work out. You will hold your little one
in your arms and be so thankful for your journey to parenthood. The
loss that was suffered will be nothing compared to the joy that will be
yours! I know this is true because I have lived it three times! One
day while watching a favorite movie I came across this quote. It spoke
to me. I hope it does to you too. Hang in there…your life can change
in a day!
"For whatsoever from one place doth fall, Is with the
tide unto
an
other brought: For there is nothing lost, that may be found,
if sought."
~Edmund Spencer (
Faerie
Queen Book v)
* For more
information on the topic of Failed Placements you can view my
presentation going to the following links
Part A1
Part A2
Part B2
It is divided into short parts in order to be on youtube. Sorry for the inconvenience.
You can
also see them on Brenda's blog by clicking
here.
Before heading to California a couple of weeks ago we stopped off in Southern Utah for our girls dance
+copy.jpg)
