Monday, June 6, 2011


So I am finding myself at a crossroad.
For 13 years I have been working heavily in adoption....whether it be volunteering or working to find another child.   Most of the time it has been both.   In the adoption world I feel like I can be me and I feel like I am understood and I understand others.   The fostering world is part of this adoption world at least in my mind.   I am grouped with people who love children and are willing to help them.  Serving as a Foster parent and serving in FSA have been two of the greatest experiences in my life and have brought Brad and I closer together as a couple and have helped our children understand the importance of family.   While we have been in this incredible world for 13 years we have been family building for over 16 years.  I know what to do with myself when I am in family building mode.   I know what to do with myself while serving as a foster mom or while serving on the National Board for FSA.   But today I stand at a crossroad.  I am no longer serving on an FSA board.  We retired from the National Board this past August.   I am in the middle of trying to decide where to go with foster care.   Do we license for another year or close that door for a while?    It is hard to say goodbye (at least for a while) to something you love to do and feel like you are good at.    I am really struggling with this decision.   I am also struggling with finding my place in FSA.   I feel rather homeless when it comes to FSA.   While I am part of a chapter I only know 3 couples from the chapter and they are all busy serving on the National Board.   I have never felt like I belong to this chapter and yet right now there isn't any other chapter I feel I could go to.   I feel rather forgotten actually but I realize that is in part my own fault.  I am not sure how to remedy that problem.  With 4 kids and a hubby who is in the Bishopric I don't get the opportunity to go to evening classes at the agency and many times the classes are for those in the middle of trying to adopt a first or second time so it is information I have heard many times and don't really want to sit through again.   It is important to have those classes and I wouldn't' want them to not have them....I am just struggling on finding where I fit.  I don't feel needed anymore and it has made me sad to think that after all these years and all the time I have put in to help other couples I am now no longer needed.  But I guess that is life.

I am looking at the future and wondering where I am headed.   Do I just move on and no longer participate in the adoption world that I love so much?    Where is my place now?    I know you can't answer these questions for me.  I just really needed to get this out of my head.   In all honestly my heart hurts about all of this and it weighs heavily upon me.     I am still involved on a small level.  Brad and I serve on an Adoption Sub Committee and I serve on the Utah Adoption Exchange Advisory Board. 
I just wish I knew where I belonged now that I am done family building.

1 comment:

DJ Rose said...

Though I'm not in that situation, I understand how you feel.

When I was PTA president for EVES, I put my heart and soul into it. I had to rebuild, reorganize and re-energize the whole organization. Then my time was done. When I walked back through those doors I felt neglected. No one needed me anymore. No more emergency meetings with the principle. My heart hurt and I felt betrayed because no one needed me. So I moved on and found new things to do. That's the year I started helping with the school play. I was still involved and I found a new love. Somthing not quite as time demanding or as emotionaly draining, but something that I loved.

Crossroads are hard and sometimes painful, but they also open up to wonderful new opportunities. You are amazing and wonderful. You are also full of talents that few have. Its now time to find a new home to those talents. You will always be a champion of adoption and foster care. You will always help others who are struggling through that road. Now find a new outlet, or voice.

Love you tons. Have a happy day.