Bright Tomorrows

I have been going through a rough patch for a few months.   Some of it has been all the illness that has hit our home.   Other parts have included not have my hubby as available in the evenings due to more demand at work along with a church calling that needs much care.   And then there is just the feelings I fight about myself...you know the ones probably most of use deal with at one time or another.  I'm too fat, not organized, I shouldn't drink this or eat that, my hair is just ugh.....you get the picture??   There has been a great deal of demand on me at home.  I am grateful to be here...to be Mom and to have the opportunity to care for my family. This is what I love most!   I try my best but find I fall short and sometimes I realize not everyone that is connected to me outside of my home really understands when I say, things are kind of crazy at my house.  Sometimes this realization falls upon me...sometimes I can feel their disappointment at what I didn't do that affected them.   This, at times, brings on more frustrations I feel about myself and honestly kind of hurts.  Sometimes I want to scream "Hey...I have been struggling here!" 

Today I have been feeling low....needing a little pick me up.  I wasn't able to attend church because Camden has been a very sick little guy with high fevers and bad body aches and chills.  So I picked up the Ensign hoping to find something.   I read this months article titled "The Refining Fire of Grief" by Ashley Isaacson Woolley.    It is a beautiful article and one  I could deeply relate to due to my own experiences with loss and grief.   In her article she shares her personal experiences with the grief she felt as she watched her baby boy deal with severe seizures and shares what brought peace to her and her husband as they searched for help for their little guy.   Towards the end of her article she says:

"Even as grief refined me in important ways, it also challenged my faith to the core. But prayer and the whisperings of the Spirit helped me to emerge on the other side of grief with faith that is even stronger than before.

In the darkest moments of my son’s illness, I sometimes felt forsaken by God, wondering how He could let my son suffer and leave me to endure such heartache. I came to understand that my feelings were natural because I did not share God’s perspective. I reflected on the difference between God’s perspective and my own one night after my husband and I had put our son to bed. We sat in another room, listening to him and watching him on a video monitor. As our son fussed, my husband commented, “You know, he probably feels completely abandoned. It’s dark in there, and he probably thinks we have forgotten him. He doesn’t know that we can see and hear him, because he can’t see or hear us. He doesn’t know that we are always nearby.” As our son was to us, so we are to our Heavenly Father.

God is there, and He did not leave me feeling alone forever. Once when I was feeling particularly upset about my son’s health and especially forsaken by God, I prayed. Soon afterward, a phrase came to my mind: “God makes a way where there is no way.” I looked up the phrase and discovered a quotation by Martin Luther King Jr.:

“When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that … [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows.”^2"

Right now I am not in my darkest moments....but I have felt down, lonely and low.   While I know others outside of my home don't know what I have been going through I know my Heavenly Father does.   I know He has helped me get through the rough spots and will continue to help me as I need it.  The quote she shares from Martin Luther King Jr is perfect...

I am going to print it out and tape it to my cabinet door that I see most often.  

^{I am so thankful I decided to open the Ensign today and
I am very thankful for Bright Tomorrows!}

 

Infertility: Releasing Pain

On September 13th of this year I posted something on Facebook to help me mark THE day I laid the last tiny piece of hope to rest.  I would like to share this post here on my blog but I want to give you a little information about what let up to the post.

~

Brad and I have been married 18 years next month.  We have built our family through adoption.  We are extremy blessed and I would never choose another road.   Before we turned to adoption we tried to get pregnant.   After each of our first two adoptions we sought treatment again.  After the last round of treatment I ended up on bedrest with a life threatening complication.   After that we close the door on treatment (thankfully).  In 2007 I had surgery to remove my right ovary due to a large cyst that was at first believed to be malignant (it wasn't....so thankful).  In March of this year I had another ovary surgery to remove a Dermoid cyst (which I nicknamed my "Vampire cyst" due to the tissue that can be found in a dermoid).   Everyone said that we should just remove the ovary and be done but my doctor didn't feel good about it and I wanted to hang on to my ovary "just in case" the Lord decided to open my womb and send another child.  Leaving this option open allowed me to hang on to this tiny hope.   For years this tiny hope has been there and allowed me to put off dealing with the true state of my infertility.    I have come to realize the past few months that this hope isn't a true hope...it was a missguided hope that I have created myself.   I have known for years that pregnancy and child birth and all of that was not the way the Lord would create my family.   

After my surgery in March my doctor wanted me to take Birth Control Pills to protect the ovary from future cysts.   I didn't want to...so I didn't.   In September I ended up in the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst.  The pain was so intense that I knew I didn't want to go through it again so I decided after talking with my husband and my Bishop that I would use the pill to help protect my health.  I also knew this would put to rest my tiny missugided hope.   I didn't dwell on it and moved forward.   After taking the meds I needed to take to bring on a period and help resolve the cyst completely, I waited and waited for a period.   It was taking a long time to come and I was having a few symptoms that started me wondering if I could possibly be pregnant.   Again the missguided hope allowed me to think of these things.   I knew I wasn't pregnant but it wasn't until the period came on that day (Sept. 13th) that I had to face the end of that tiny hope.   It was a painful day and I needed a place to voice the pain... once I did I could be free from it finally.

So the following is what I wrote that day.   As I wrote I sobbed and sobbed and was so glad everyone was in bed for the night.  

 I wanted to share this with you hoping it helps someone else who is traveling the road I have traveled.   YOU are not alone...there are many of us.  We each have our own feelings and struggles along the road but we can reach out to one another and offer our love, support and validation. 

 My Facebook Post

I know it is good to stay positive in life and I realize facebook is a weird place to write feelings but I feel like I have to say this out loud to kind of mark the day and lay it to rest finally.
Today the hope, tiny and misguided as it was died.
I will never see a positive pregnancy test.
I will never grow a child inside of my womb.
I will never create a body that will be given a Spirit.

I will never give birth or be the first to hold my baby.
I will never see my blue eyes or curly hair on another human being.
I will leave this earthly existence leaving nothing physical behind to go on for generations.
I hope that my children will carry my passion for family and love for them onto their children and I hope in some way I will be remembered for something good.

I know I am a daughter of God and I know Jesus Christ is my Savior. It has been a long long road to get to today. Even before we were married I carried the burden of "what if". While today is a difficult day for me I know I have many things to live for and rejoice in. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be filled with a new kind of hope....one that it sure and true because I know my Savior heals broken things. I am not broken but laying this tiny misguided hope to rest hurts... but I know once His healing is applied I will be stronger and hopefully a better Brenda.

Thanks for listening.

In the comment section of this post I later added the following: 

Thanks everyone! I am deeply touched! Yesterday was a tough day. Today is a little better and it will get even better from here on out. In some ways it is a relief to be in this place. I feel as though I am free.  I did want to let you know that I believe in promises and I know there have been many made regarding "after this life". I believe in those promises...I was just trying to get out what was weighing me down. I also wanted to add that I am ok...I just needed to write and let my inner voice share what was deep inside hurting. For me writing and not holding in thoughts helps me and I have learned I have to give voice to pain. Years ago I was in a really bad place with infertility and I sough help. It was through the counseling that I was prepared for the healing only the Savior can give. I am so thankful my heart has been healed and that is how I know that the pain that is coming from this last part of my struggle will also be healed. I am thinking positive and moving forward today. Thank you for your friendship and love and support! It is a wonderful feeling to know I have dear friends who are there for me if I need a listening heart! Love all of you!!!! And to my special sweet friends who have blessed me by trusting me with their little ones....I love you so much and I can never express how the love you have for your baby blessed my life fully! I know you didn't place them with me for me...but through your courageous and selfless act I get to be a Mother! Thank you a million times! I count you as some of my choicest blessings!

The day after I wrote this I was feeling a bit better but tired as though I had just finished a long run but it was a mental fatigue.   But the day after that was a whole new day.   This is what I posted on Facebook:

Today is the first day of a new kind of life for me! 
It is an awesome day!!! 

 I feel so blessed!

Why was I able to bounce back from this pain so quickly?   Because I took care of the incredibly deep grief dealing with my infertility and  with adoption loss years ago as I sought counseling.   I know it was through counseling my heart and mind and soul was prepared for true healing that only comes through the Savior Jesus Christ.  And over a period of time the healing grew and I became whole.   Healing has come again and I feel free....really free!   I am still infertile but I am also much more!  

I am peaceful and happy and excited about what I will do in my future. 

And best of all....I am filled with true hope that guides me down the paths I need to travel and focus on.

True Hope is Good!

Read more about my infertility journey here.

Miracles are coming...hang on.

image from Willow Tree website

I originally wrote this and put it on my I AM blog but after my day today I felt it would be appropriate to post here.   If you are hurting over some type of disappointment today....hang on...you haven't been forgotten and you are not alone!   

~

I am sitting up late tonight preparing my Primary lesson for tomorrow.
The lesson is on Miracles and uses the story of Jesus healing the man who was blind from birth

 (John 9).
The lesson touches my heart!
While I haven't even had blindness as my challenge in life I can relate to the feelings of dealing with a disability.  
I know pain and sorrow.
They have been two of my greatest teachers.
In this lesson it has a quote from President Spencer W. Kimball.
He says: 
"Should all prayers be immediately answered...there would be little or no suffering, sorrow, disappointment, or even death, and if these were not, there would also be no joy, success, resurrection, nor eternal life and godhood" 
(Faith precedes the Miracle, page 97)

As I said before I know pain and sorrow and many other teachers....but I have come to know joy, happiness, peace and more peace, healing, incredible love and the knowledge that I am Heavenly Fathers daughter and He loves me and wants to give me all the will bring me joy and be what is best for me.
If I hadn't known those "teachers" I would never have gotten to the best part!

If you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and wonder if your dreams of parenthood will ever come true...hang on a little long, keep praying and follow the promptings that come.
Heavenly Father loves you and wants to give you all that He has.....sometimes we just have to get through a few things first.
I hope those few things are quick and you are blessed with the desires of your heart!
Miracles happen....yours is coming!

Grieving the Loss of a Baby and a Birth Mom.

I wrote this for my friend's blog Que & Brittnay's Adoption Journey back in 2011.    I realized I never added my post to my own blog so I am doing it now.   :)  

***

When Brad and I first entered the world of adoption in 1998 we had a few fears.   One of those fears was that we would be chosen by a Birth Mother but then after the baby was born she would decide to parent.   As we came to understand more about adoption our fears eased but there was always that worry.

In December of 1999 a sweet Birth Mother named Stephanie chose us.  Her baby was 1 month old and she felt very strong about her decision to place.  Unfortunately her family did not support her decision and after 6 weeks of hoping the placement would still happen we received the final word that she had decided to parent.   This news was hard but we understood and felt love for her.   There was no anger…just sadness in what we would never be for us.

As the initial feelings of disbelief subsided strong feelings of grief took over.    Brad handled the loss better than I did.   I remember getting up for work in the mornings and my body felt like lead.  It was so hard to function.  All I wanted to do was sleep.   I remember many times I would go into the pink nursery and hold and rock the cute little clothes we purchased for what we thought would be our daughter.  I would sob and let feelings out in my alone moments in that special room.   After a while I just kept the door shut.    I remember one night I was up to use the bathroom and I thought I could hear a baby crying.   It was strange and I thought maybe I was crazy.   I moved through life in a haze and was full of deep sadness.   I felt so alone and sad and wondered if I would ever be a Mother.

July 2000 we had the incredible opportunity to be blessed with a baby girl.   Brenley came into our lives and we have never been the same.   We were blessed again in October of 2002 with another baby girl.  Haley brought us great joy and we felt so blessed to be parents to 2 little girls.

In December of 2005 we were contacted by 2 Birth Mothers.   Talitha was only 5 weeks along.  A few weeks after our first contact with her she  met with an LDS Family Service worker and we were placed on “firm hold” with.  We knew it was early in the pregnancy to be on firm hold but we had been through a long hold before and we were blessed with Haley so we believed it could work out.   We spoke on the phone, chatted online for hours at time.  We had correspondence of some type almost daily for her entire pregnancy.   Around 20 weeks we drove up to Montana to be with her for the ultrasound.   It was an incredible experience and we learned we were to be parents of another baby girl.   We enjoyed finally meeting Talitha in person and had a great time getting to know her.   We left Montana feeling happy and excited about her and the new baby girl we planned to name Elizabeth.

Upon our return to Utah we continued contact with Talitha.   We started noticing as the delivery day approached that she was putting space between us.   Things started feeling a little off but she reassured us that she was still planning to place.   One day after not hearing from her for a few days I felt prompted to look on the hospital website where I found the picture of the baby we thought was going to be ours.

She had given her a name and I knew she had decided to parent.

We sent her an email and she replied and said how sorry she was.   She had a story as to why, claiming it to be the birth father.   To this day I still don’t know the whole story and will never know but the story didn’t matter…we respected the right she had to parent her baby.    We still loved her and wished the very best for her and her little family.   But this was a very hard loss.   To be with her the entire pregnancy and be as prepared to love and parent this little baby and then to have empty arms, empty bassinet and untouched diapers, clothes….it was very hard.

It was also hard to fall in love with this Birth Mother and then to lose her.

We tried to maintain a friendship but it was hard.  There were some things said and unsaid that hurt us deeply.  I thought we could keep the same friendship but for whatever reason it was really hard.   I had to let go a bit and I think she needed time away from our chats so she could have time with her baby and her new life as Mommy to two little girls.   I tried to touch base with her as time went on but the last time I tried she didn’t reply.   It took a full year to come to terms with this loss.

It wasn’t just a loss of a baby, it was also the loss of a special friend.

It hurt a great deal but it truly took a year for the full impact of what had happened to come upon me.   I feel like this was a gift so that I didn’t have to feel the full loss all at once.

While we were waiting for this baby to be born we were busy building a house.   We were so excited to have a new baby to bring to our new home.   We pictured ourselves going to church with our three precious girls.   We made plans for the nursery. …there were plans for everything.   The first few months in our home was full of firsts and full of thoughts about what would have been.   There was suddenly an extra room, all the baby items had to be stored in the basement rather than in what would have been the nursery.

We had exhausted all our “finding” ideas while we were trying to find the right birth mom and had done so much, so at this point I felt no direction on what else we could do to help get ourselves out there again.   It was a period of time where I felt lost in some ways.

In December 2006 we received a call from a girl who had contacted us just a few days before Talitha had.  Her name was Samantha and she had gone back forth about placing but in the end she decided to parent.   We had an instant connection to her from her first email so when she decided to parent we thought maybe we were just meant to be her friends and support her emotionally as she parented.   She gave birth to Camden (the same name we had decided on for our first boy) April 17, 2006.   She even called us right after she delivered him but before delivering her placenta.  You could say we both felt this invisible string that tied us together but we didn’t really know why.   We maintained this special friendship.  Her call in December of that year was a different call….one I will never forget.

She felt Camden belonged with us.

Placement happened a few days later on Camden’s 8th month day.  It was a joyous occasion that helped us see  the Lord had plans for our family….he was preparing the best gift for us.   We were never left alone.   All that time I thought I was lost and wondered why inspiration on what to do next wasn’t coming…the Lord was telling us to be still.  We had done all we could do and He was taking care of the rest.   (Camden’s entire story is amazing.  You can read more by going here.)


Our 3^rd failed placement (spring of 2008) was a easier to handle.  It was a married couple who didn’t feel they could handle another child.  Their marriage was a little rocky and finances were difficult.   I started to prepare for this little baby.   We were especially excited because this would be Brenley’s birth cousin who would be joining our home and we already loved Brenley’s Birth Family so it felt right.   The baby was due in August and we were all very happy about it!

In May 2008 we learned they would be parenting.   It was sad to have to put the baby items back in boxes and to realize there would be a baby coming to stay but we were also excited for this little family.  This would be their first boy after 3 girls.   While I didn’t grieve a great deal over this loss I did have some sadness and some thoughts of what might have been.

Out of all 3 of our failed placements this was by far the easiest to handle and we felt joy for this special Birth Family.

Failed placements are difficult and unique when it comes to grieving.  You don’t just grieve what might have been.

You don’t just grieve the loss of the baby that you thought was going to be yours forever.   You also grieve the loss of that special relationship that can be found between a Birth Mother (or Birth Family) and the Adoptive Family.

While a friendship is definitely still possible and very rewarding it doesn’t feel exactly the same as that kind of sacred bond you develop in those special circumstances you all find yourselves in together.   It is a hard loss and it can take time and care to get through the grief.   The following are some ways we have dealt with grief:

Give yourself time

Don’t feel like you need to hurry and put away baby items or pack away the nursery.   Sometimes grieving over items helps get feelings out.

Don’t feel pressured to be at activities or gatherings…do what you feel like doing don’t try to do things to please others.

Pamper yourselves…if you have been putting off a vacation this is a good time to do it.   Go do things only couples can do.

Find an outlet for your feelings and a way to take a break from thinking about it.

Talk, talk and talk some more if you feel like it.

Write…in a journal, notebook, create a blog.

Read books that take you away from your life…or read about others going through similar circumstances.

Listen to comforting music…or music that is upbeat and fun.

Go to a movie or rent an old favorite.

Attend the temple.

Special Note:  If you already have children in your family remember to help them as they grieve.  They will feel the loss too.    Let them talk about it, ask questions, draw pictures, play with baby dolls (in certain ages) or buy them a special doll just for them to take care of until a placement happens.   The kids will often fall in love with the Birth Family too.  Let the kids write letters or draw pictures for the (would have been) Birth Mother/Family.   Allow them to draw pictures or send a gift to the baby if that is something they would like to do.

Our family has struggled through 3 failed placements and they were hard but when a door closes a window opens.  We have been blessed with 4 incredible children through adoption.  

We have learned so much along our journey and we have witnessed miracles.   There will always be some failed placements in adoption but when things are right it will work out.   You will hold your little one in your arms and be so thankful for your journey to parenthood.   The loss that was suffered will be nothing compared to the joy that will be yours!  I know this is true because I have lived it three times!  One day while watching a favorite movie I came across this quote.  It spoke to me.  I hope it does to you too.  Hang in there…your life can change in a day!

"For whatsoever from one place doth fall, Is with the tide unto an other brought: For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought."
~Edmund Spencer (Faerie Queen Book v)

* For more information on the topic of Failed Placements you can view my presentation going to the following links
Part A1
Part A2

Part A3

Part B1

Part B2
It is divided into short parts in order to be on youtube.  Sorry for the inconvenience.  

You can also see them on Brenda's blog by clicking here.

Singin' the Blues

I love this picture...thinking of a purchase.  I feel like it speaks how I feel today.

Today if I were to pick a color to describe how I feel it would be a cloudy blue.    It has been one of "those" kind of days.   I am sick of being stuck on the couch because I am recovering from surgery.   I am really tired of dealing with problems with this area of my body.    I am kind of angry that I have to deal with this stuff when this area of my body has never worked right and I have never been able to do what other women do.   I am sad about something else I can't write here because it will cause me trouble with someone.    I am frustrated with the fact that we have a broken sewer line (yes my basement got flooded 2 times this past week while I can do nothing to help because I am in pain) that lies under the city street next to my home but it is still "the homeowners" problem to fix (and we are talking over 5 grand to fix it).    I am worried about one of my kids who has some higher levels of insulin and we have to change a bunch of things.   All of this going on while I am trying to heal.    So many feelings are inside me right now and today I cried a whole lot!   Tonight my 2 year old won't go to bed and woke up everyone in the house with his screaming.   Not a happy night...not a happy day.    

But there is always tomorrow.

While I am very tired of not functioning I am very grateful I am alive and that my surgery is over and that it went well.    I do see the good things in my life...even today when I feel emotional about things.   I know it is just one of those days.   I have much to be thankful for and I see that even through the cloudy blue.   Today I just needed to cry about some things and get things off my mind by writing in my own place.   Thanks for stopping by....I hope tomorrow I will be pretty in pink. :)

Adoption According to Brenda - How to say "good bye" when you foster.

Pictures at the last court date...the day we thought the judge might say she would get to stay with us.  Sadly this didn't happen.

I have known I wanted to post on this topic for a while and I felt this was the right week to do it but I have put it off all day because it is a hard subject.   Ashanti turned 3 this past Tuesday and she hasn't been in my arms since she was 8 months old but even after all this time it hurts and I miss her.   I still dream of getting a call from her Father telling us he wants us to adopt her.

I know that call isn't coming. So I try to focus on all the of things Ashanti gave us and taught us and what we were able to give her.

When you love a child but then have to let them go there will always be pain but that doesn't mean you will die when you do it (even though you feel like you will die).   The following things helped me while we transitioned Ashanti over to her Father during a 2 week period ending with me dropping her off at the airport to her Father where he took her to Florida to live.
1.  Letting myself feel everything.
During this difficult time it is important to cry if you fee like crying.  Scream, punch pillows....let your feelings out.   For me it depended upon the day...some days I cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore and then I cried more.   Other days I was angry.   Sometimes I would take time for myself in my room so I could grieve in private.  Whatever you feel allow it to come out.
2.  Talk, talk, talk and talk some more.
During this time while Ashanti was with her father for more and more hours each day I spent alot of time on the phone.  I talked to my Mom and Sister alot.  I talked to friends on the phone or outside in my neighborhood.   Sometimes talking about it helped me.    There were sometimes I didn't want to talk and those times I would just keep to myself.   But I did find a great amount of therapy while talking.
3.  Write:  blog, journal....whatever works for you.
My blog saved me in many ways.   I needed a place to vent where I could say whatever I wanted and no one would say anything back.   I needed to express what I was feeling and going through.   I found the online support incredibly helpful during this time.   Those who read my blog became a life line to me.   I am so grateful to my readers for their friendship and love during this time.   You can read my posts about Ashanti and Chevey here, here & here.
4.   Find an escape.
Right about the time we were transiting I got my copy of "Breaking Dawn" by Stephenie Meyer.   This book became my "escape".   While Ashanti was with her Father I would curl up in my bed and allow my mind to get sucked into the story.   I also found myself taking naps.  Sleep, reading and movies allowed me to take a mental break from the pain and the anticipation of the final goodbye.   This became an important part of those 2 weeks.....it was so painful I had to have some way to think about something else for periods of time.   When Ashanti was home with us every minute was filled soaking in her sweet smell, her cute face and giggles.  it truly was an emotional time!
5.  Special things to send with the child you love.
I found some comfort preparing some items to send with Ashanti.   We purchased a stuffed Elephant for Ashanti.   We give all of our Birth Mothers a stuffed Elephant to symbolize our "never forgetting".   So we decided to give one to Ashanti too.   I also prepared a large storage container full of her favorite blankets, crib items, clothes she would be able to use soon  and anything else I could fit that would help her Father as he started a life as a single father or an infant.   Sending formula, baby items etc brought comfort to me.  
6.  Special keepsakes just for you.
I kept a bunch of items that mean alot to me that Ashanti used while she was here.   I included the last pajamas she wore (I can still smell her on them)...

the last night at our home, the washrag we used to bath her and the paper she crumpled up in her hands as she struggled with her very first time away with just her Dad.   She had a very hard first visit and came home looking emotionally drained.  It broke my heart.  I don't know why I keep the paper...it makes my heart hurt when I see it.  She was hanging on to it when he brought her back home...but I keep it.

   That is the most painful item...everything else makes me smile.    Everything makes me miss her.  Even right now it is hard to write this.   Even thought it hurts it was worth it...she is worth it!   I am so thankful for the time we had! 

7.  Celebrating what was right and good.
Try to focus on all the happy memories.   While Ashanit and Chevey are not part of our family...they are part of our hearts!    No one can take that away from us.  
8.  Knowing you did something good.
One thing that helped me as I drove away from the airport after handing Ashanti over for the last time....I had an overwhelming feeling in my heart that we had done something good.   We gave Ashanti so much love and gave her a great start.    The pain is witness of that!

No one can get through something like this without pain unless they never loved. 
To those who are going through this and to those who are afraid to foster even though they want to....
I know this is hard but you can do it!    So many children need love....so many children need people like you to help them during one of the hardest times of their life.   Let your heart lead....don't let fear stop you from being a foster to adopt parent!
Your life will change in ways you never dreamed and your heart will be filled in places you never realized had holes. 

Adoption According to Brenda - Comparing Grief

Ashanti w/ me.
"It is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all"
Amen!

I recently read this brilliantly funny book called "The Actor and The Housewife" by Shannon Hale.

I don't want to give anything away in the book but I will say that one of the characters loses someone they love and while grieving has someone say this.....

Excerpt:
And there was Joann, a well-meaning neighbor.
"I'm sorry about your husband."
"Thanks, I appreciate that."
"You know, my husband left me when I was thirty-three and had four small children.  Just be grateful that didn't happen."
Becky stared.  Only with superhuman restraint did she keep from asking, "You're saying I should be grateful my husband died?"
"Experts say that divorce is a harder trial to bear than the death of a spouse."  The woman nodded to herself.  "Hard stuff.  Hard times.  Yep, hard, hard times.  Well, sorry!"

When I read this part of the novel I could relate to the way the Becky character was feeling.   While I have never lost a spouse I know what it feels like to have my pain compared to other peoples pain and to not be validated by others.    One example of this was when Brad and I had gone through treatments for a number of years and were waiting for adoption #1.   I was working in a job I hated but trying to deal with life.   We had already had a failed placement and I was emotionally not well at all.   One of my co-workers who had recently gotten married became pregnant.  During the last trimester of her pregnancy she struggled physically with those things that women struggle with while pregnant.   I remember while talking about babies and hoping for a baby she proceeded to tell me "You haven't paid your dues!".   I defended myself and said yes I had.  She then said again "No, you haven't paid your dues!".  I can't even begin to tell you how this hurt me inside.   I left work that day and once I got in the safety of our own car (Brad picked me up that day) it all came out....I cried so hard.  It hurt so much to be told the pain I had gone through didn't count and I didn't deserve to be a mother.   I look back on this experience and others like it (unfortunately I had way too  many of these types of things said to me) and I realize how often people felt the need to compare their pain with mine and needed to somehow state how much more difficult what they were going through was than what I was going through.    These experiences made a huge impact on me and I have tried to always validate another persons pain. 
One of the great things we learn as go through difficult trials is the ability to feel compassion for another persons trial.   While circumstances may be different we all feel pain...all pain hurts and it is so important to validate what the other person is going through.  
I also remember having a Ah-Ha moment after one of these sad encounters.....I had been pondering how Jesus (who is not female) could understand my pain as an infertile woman.   Of course later I realized in a real way that He has felt my very pain through the Atonement but at that time I wasn't at that complete understanding yet.   But one thing came to me....I remembered all the accounts of Christ suffering and being told horrible things...being spat at and some not believing He was who He said He was and I wondered how that felt for Him.   I realized many did not validate Him.   When I had this thought come to me I wept as I realized how much my Savior understands me.  
Validating some one's pain is a great gift that we don't give to one another often enough.

Understanding our own grief and feeling compassion for others who are feeling loss is important as adoptive couples are chosen by a Birth Family.   While there are many similarities between what a Birth Mother feels after placement and what an Adoptive Mother feels as she deal with infertility it is important to not "compare" grief.  Birth Mothers, Birth Fathers and Birth Families need to feel validated and need support rather than being told what they feel isn't much compared to ____________ (you fill in the blank).  
While it is always nice to hear that people believe you are courageous and that you "did the right thing"...what many Birth Mothers need is someone to understand they are hurting and to just let them feel what they feel and know that they can say whatever they want at that moment and won't be judged.  Validating their pain....validating how they feel in that moment of sadness allows them to feel loved and cared for as they crawl through their hard place. 
I don't write this as just an adoptive parent....I am also part of a Birth Family.  My incredible niece, Erin, placed her baby boy, Gabriel for adoption.   I of course am not a Birth Mother but I love the Birth Mother and I love my Birth Nephew and it was hard to say goodbye to him.   I felt feelings I didn't think I would because I understand what was waiting for him on the other side of the adoption.   I was very surprised at what I learned.

I also write this as a Mother who loved a baby with all of her heart and cared for her for 8 wonderful months and then had to say goodbye knowing I would never see her again....knowing she wouldn't have the same level of care as we could give her.   It was a very hard experience that still hurts. 
Validation helps people dealing with loss, pain and grief.
It is amazing what happens when you give the gift of validation....you find it coming back to you in ways you never expected. 

Adoption According to Brenda ~ Grief

 

This story speaks to me.  He calmed my storm and brought "a great calm"
".After teaching the multitude, Jesus and His disciples set sail for the eastern shore of the Sea of Galilee. It was night and the Savior rested comfortably near the stern, asleep on a pillow. In time “there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship.” Terrified, the disciples awakened Him: “Master, carest thou not that we perish?”¹ His answer was characteristically calm: “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?”² “And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.”
Taken from Elder Hales talk "Faith through tribulation brings peace"

Somewhere along the journey through infertility and then adoption many couples (especially women) find themselves swimming in grief. This is normal and actually healthy. When we lose something....especially something that we have dreamed of possessing but then never can touch it is right and good to grieve. It is through the tears and the pondering within the safety of our own minds that we work through the feelings of disbelief, the pain and unbearable sadness, the depression, the reality of what has been lost. So much of our grieving happens within ourselves. I don't think it is a coincidence that understanding then comes upon our minds...a whispering thought that calms our soul and begins to shine light on the question "Why?".

Grief helps prepare us for the answers only Heaven can give.

But there are some who find themselves not swimming in grief but rather drowning. I was one of those people! I didn't realize it when it started to happen. It took many years for me to finally see that I wasn't in the realms of "good grief" I was losing myself. Each day was not only hard but so heavy. There were times I wanted to die. This was before we had adopted any children. We were in the process of adopting but had not had a placement. We had been chosen, but then the Birth Mother changed her mind due to a great deal of family pressure. I had no feelings of anger toward her. Just love and I understood why she didn't go through with placing her 1 month old baby. I still love her to this day and yet have never met her. This failed placement opened the door wide to a flood of grief. I found myself in the nursery holding clothes to my chest and sobbing. This was actually a good grief time. It was right and healthy to feel those feelings of loss. But as time went on the pain remained.
Months later Brenley was placed with us. Then a couple years later Haley was placed with us. I didn't realize then that the grief had never gone away. It changed it's face so I didn't recognize what it was. When Brenley came I had this overwhelming worry that she would be taken away. I also felt a huge amount of pressure to fulfill every dream I ever had regarding things I would do with my children. I put so much pressure on myself because I was scared this would be the only time I would get the chance to fulfill these dreams. In some ways I was exhausted. I had so much joy when Brenley came to our family and the joy multiplied as Haley came. Unspeakable joy and that lifted my soul. I am so thankful I was able to enjoy this special time in my life! It was a gift from my Heavenly Father. Grief hadn't left me at this point...but I was so busy being Mom I didn't realize how grief showed itself in me.

As Haley grew I continued to enjoy my children very much. I never felt sad about them or how they came...not one single minute. But I did have unresolved grief that showed up in my relationships with others. The not so nice things that people sometimes say  became more than just something they said...it took up space in my mind and it would swirl around and around each day. Each word said would cut like a knife. I had a hard time being around family. I dropped all of my "fertile" friends. My heart hurt all of the time. I took offense easily. I felt I didn't fit in anywhere. I was quick to be negative about what people said to me or just quick to feel negative toward them. I would go over and over in my mind conversations where the things that were said about adoption or infertility were not true and while I tried to defend the truth I failed because I lacked self esteem. I would later realize what I should have said but didn't and that would make me mad at myself. It was during this time of great turmoil of mind that one day while I was having all of this hurt mulling around my mind I had a clear thought that said "Your grief is prohibiting your progression". At that moment I saw that this voice that spoke to my mind was speaking truth. I called my husband and asked if he would support me if I went and sought counseling. He said yes. At that time in life money was tight and I didn't now how much insurance would pay. So as a back up plan I called my parents and asked for help if we ended up needing it. They were very supportive. I then knelt down and ask God to bless me with the counselor He had in mind for me....the one who would help me the best.  The third phone call I made was to LDS Family Services where I asked for a counselor who was a woman and not involved in adoption.  I was blessed with Lani Taholo.  She was not only a great counselor but she knew the scriptures like the back of her hand and she was absolutely the person who was meant to help me. 

The experiences of seeking help, going to sessions, doing the homework assignments Lani would send me home to do and praying all prepared me for the healing only the Savior himself can give. The gift of healing didn't come all at once...it came a little at a time until one day a few years later I realized I had been truly healed. I had an amazing experience and the peace that came to my life is indescribable. It has touched ever aspect of who I am and how I am to my family.
It also allowed me to feel comfortable having completely open adoptions.  What a joyous day it was to invite and have Birth Parents over to our home for dinner.   I can't explain how it felt...it was a special reunion!  But it never would have been like this if I still was drowning.

So why do I tell you this long story?

I see too often couples (especially women) drowning in grief and yet they don't even know it.
Sometimes grief masks as something else like:

Extreme Sensitivity

Dwelling on the negative whether that be hurtful things said to you by others, dwelling on what you can't do, dwelling on worries about health etc.

If you have adopted already you may have hostility, worries, anger, irritation or feel scared about dealing with or towards your child's Birth Mother.

You don't want to be around children.

You don't want to be around pregnant women.

You can't rejoice in another couple having a placement. You feel resentful toward them or feel despair that you haven't been chosen.

You feel entitled.

You can't let go of conversations.

This list could go on further but hopefully I am making my point.

It is good for couples to stop and take inventory of how they are feeling. Kind of a self check. You may not feel all of these types of things. I didn't experiences all of them. We all grieve differently. But if you are drowning and not swimming then you can't get through the grief. Life is to be enjoyed! Grieving is healthy when you aren't "stuck" in it. If you find yourself stuck then seek help, pray and listen for answers. Grief is powerful and it can help prepare you for incredible joy and peace. But it has to be good grief in order for you to get through it. If you are drowning in it you will never have peace. Our Heavenly Father can help you....He is more powerful than your grief and He can extend His hand and save you.

Your relationships with family, Birth Family and especially your spouse and children that are in your family or will be coming to your family will all be blessed because you chose to act and seek help.
Overcoming grief brings great peace and light to your life.

I know because I have been there!
If you would like to read more about my experiences/writings about my grief please visit my I AM blog.
Special note:  I am not a mental health professional.  (hoping to be someday)  My advise in this post is from my experiences and thoughts.  If you are struggling please seek out a mental health professional.

Avoiding the Hard Places....

Roses my friends from ldsadoptiveparents yahoogroup sent me after our 2nd failed placement.

I have been stressing over the presentation Brad and I are giving at the FSA conference.
I wrote the outline months ago....so all I needed to do was get the power point slide ready and my own notes in line.
It has been on my mind everyday for a while. But I seem to find other things to busy myself with so I can keep putting it off. I have been trying to figure out why this year's presentation feels more stressful than the past 4 years. I thought maybe it was because it was a completely different topic.
That sounded good right?

I have been sitting here at my computer to finish it all up and make it look good (hopefully). Then understanding came upon me.
I have been avoiding this presentation because it hurts!
This is the first time we will ever talk about our adoption losses publicly and in person.
As I have been thinking about our own experiences I remembered the 2nd failed placement when my girls were just as excited as we were about a new baby sister we were going to name Elizabeth. They didn't understand why this baby didn't come and they felt angry. Everyone was affected.
As I have gone through the memory files in my mind I remember how much these experiences hurt.
It is no wonder that I was avoiding this process.
I finally get it.
I didn't realize these memories would affect me this way even now.
Maybe it is a good thing to talk about them.
I hope this 'sharing' helps others...and maybe it will be helping me too.

Diane's Story...from a sister's perspective.

I have a sister named, Diane. Out of all of my sisters (I have 3) she is closest in age to me….but we are six years apart. Growing up we shared a room, we shared laughs, we shared the secret places our parents hide the Christmas presents and as I got older we even shared clothes from time to time. Once she got married and moved out I spent nights at her house and we had a lot of fun together. The years have moved forward but the friendship remained. I want to share with you a story about Diane…about her daughter, Jessica and how she changed Diane’s life and my life forever.

Diane and her husband Russ were high school sweethearts…well she was in Jr. High and He was in High School…but they were as Bambi says “Twitter pated”. After Russ returned home from his 30 month LDS mission (yes they served that long back then) in Australia and after Diane graduated from High School they got married in the Jordan River Temple. A couple of years later Jeremy was born. About 5 year later Trevor was born…it took a while to get pregnant. Diane and Russ always wanted a little girl….so after a number of years they decided to go off birth control and try. Two years or so without birth control and nothing happened. So Diane went back on…with the history of PCOS in the family and the way her cycles were going she needed to be on something. Sometime later she discovered she was pregnant. We were all excited!!!! Trevor was now 11 years old.

From the beginning Diane included me completely! She let me experience pregnancy vicariously through her. A few months after Diane found out she was pregnant we got our own incredible news…..a special Birth Couple who learned about us through Brad’s co-worker had decided to place their baby with us. The baby was due in November. Diane’s baby was due in May….we were all so excited about have babies come into our lives around the same time. We planned play dates and how they were grow up being friends.

When Diane was around 20 weeks she had the much anticipated ultrasound. Once again I was there to witness…I went to every appointment and we spent a great deal of time together and on the phone. Diane cried as she found her dreams coming true…..it was in fact a girl! She looked absolutely perfect and we all thanked Heavenly Father for this incredible miracle! But as Diane gave thanks she was also full of concerns and worries that something would happen. I would try to reassure her and say “Why would Heavenly Father bless you with this incredible miracle just to take it away” (not exact works but close). Diane prepared and was excited and yet still apprehensive.

As time drew near we threw her a baby shower….and she received many wonderful baby girl items…it was so fun! Diane had this blessing dress she fell in love with as we went shopping one day. It was beautiful but also pretty pricey. So as a special gift I got some family members…Grandma’s and Aunts to go in on this dress with me. We gave it to her at the shower and she cried and was very excited. It was a wonderful day! Later as everyone said their goodbyes and we were cleaning up I took the blessing dress and went in Diane’s room to hang it up…as I laid it out on the bed a horrible thought came to my mind. It stated “you will not be blessing her in this dress…you will be burying her in it.” I was so upset that I could think such a horrible thought. It shook me and I had to wipe it out of my mind. Little did I know then that others had the same though as they saw the dress and none of us knew what was about to unfold.

Time ticked on and Diane started showing all the signs of getting ready to deliver…she was seeing her doctor every week now and she could deliver at any time. One morning we went to her appointment and had lunch and enjoyed the morning. All seemed well. We were listening to Michael McLean’s song “Together Forever” as we drove into her garage. Diane couldn’t handle hearing that song…she felt worried that something would go wrong with the baby. Less than an hour later she was on the phone with her OB’s office as she realized she hadn’t felt her baby move since sometime in the night. The doctor told her to drink a coke to see if it perks the baby up. She was to wait a certain period of time and then call the doctor back. Little Jessica (as they were planning to name her) didn’t respond to the coke. So they sent Diane to the hospital. I was already with her….we headed to the hospital. We got word to Russ to meet us there. Brad was meeting us there too because of the first time in his life he was going to witness the birth of a child. They got Diane hooked up to the monitors….we could hear her heart…but they wanted to get a better understanding of how the baby was doing so they put an internal monitor on her. Within a matter of minutes of being on that monitor little Jessica’s brain started to crash. They had Jessica out of the uterus 6 minutes later….when they cut the cord her heart stopped beating. The pediatrician worked on her for 20 minutes but Jessica didn’t survive. She was considered stillborn. The pediatrian came in with tears in his eyes to let us know he did everything he could. He then shared with us that Jessica appears to have had Down Syndrome. They were guessing she could have had a hole in her heart and couldn’t make it. They weren’t sure the exact cause of the stillbirth.

Just as we received this news my Mom (who lives 3 hours away) had finally made it to the hospital….we had to greet her with the news of Jessica’s death rather than her birth. I remember the way her faced looked and I remember her words…”NO, NO, NO!”. She broke down. A few moments later a nurse came in to see if the OB should still move forward with tying Diane’s tubes. This was the plan because Diane was severely obese and this pregnancy was incredibly hard on her body. She got her girl and she was happy to have that be it for her family. Russ was left with the decision (that I don’t think any husband should have to make) but he felt they should go forward with it…feeling that Diane couldn’t do all of this again. I questioned his decision but respected his authority. A short time later they brought Jessica in to us…it was just Russ, my Mom, Brad and me and we held her and saw her beautiful red hair which is a Blair trademark. She saw that she looked like her older brother Trevor. Jessica was a big baby weighting in at 9 pounds. She was beautiful and we love her!

A while later we were able to go into a recovery room to be with Diane as she woke up. She didn’t know her daughter didn’t survive…we had to break the news to her. The first thing she asked was “where is my baby?” We couldn’t speak…finally Russ told her what had happened. She sobbed…she was still out of it but she understood and she cried! It was horrible! Her boys were in the room with us…along with other family members. I had Brad run and get her baby bag so she could dress her daughter in the outfit she had planned to bring her home in. Included was a tiny pink bracelet.

We all stayed at the hospital for hours….Brenley was only 1 at the time so she was with Brad’s parents. But we stayed for a long while and took turns holding Jessica. We took pictures..of everyone holding her. Pictures would be very important for this little family and all of us in the days, weeks and years ahead. Brad and I then went home to get a few hours of sleep. Diane and Russ and their family remained at the hospital holding Jessica.

Waking the next morning I remember the whole event was more real…the shock had worn on and all I could do was sob. I sob the entire day I think. We got dressed and headed up there…this time Brenley came with…she was close to two years old and we felt it was important for her to see Jessica…she needed to understand even if it was just little. She held Jessica and talked to her. We took more pictures….the dreams of our girls playing together wouldn’t be but we did have this one picture of them together. We spent the day with Diane and Jessica. We each took one last time to hold her before the guy from the mortuary would take her and do what he had to with her little tiny body. We each said goodbye to her. It was one of the saddest things I have even seen, felt. And yet there was a peaceful feeling in the room that I will never forget.

Diane was released a day or two later. I was with her as she cleaned up her stuff and packed up. The nurses brought in some special items..This included a mold of one hand and one tiny foot. They were placed in a box. My sister carried all that she had left of her daughter in one tiny box. It was a very hard day for her…for Russ….for everyone.

Hours after being home from the hospital Diane started to run a fever. This meant she had to go back to the hospital. Once there they took out her stitches and started to clean her out. This was a very large wound….and they were digging and pulling and it was hurting. She wasn’t given any medicine to numb her….she once again cried out in pain. Because of the infection she would have to heal from the inside out…they wouldn’t be stitching her up again. She was admitted and stayed in the hospital to receive IV antibiotics. When she returned home she had to have nurses come in 3 times a day. The nurses taught Russ and me how to clean her wound and we did. We filled in so the nurses didn’t have to come so often. Russ did it in the evenings and I did it in the mornings or whenever she needed me in the day. I remember the grief….the long talks…the sadness that lingered. Here she was suffering through this horrible wound issue, milk coming in, bleeding and NO BABY to hold, feed, smell, dress and care for. Nothing to say that it was all worth it. She got the raw end of the deal! She went from anger to sadness to just existing.

Because of Diane’s weight issues….her wound was not healing correctly. It was healing but it was so very very slow. They tried a bunch of things to help speed it up…but those things didn’t work on her because of her weight and the way her stomach fell over the wound area. Diane’s wound took 18 very long months to heal. 18 months of nurses, or relying upon other people to help her. 18 months of hell. And yet she endured it…she lived, her understanding of loss grew….her understanding of how to get answers to prayer grew…her testimony of her Savior grew. Eighteen months after losing her daughter Diane was still sad…still grieving but she was different…a different person than the one before. Stronger spiritually with a love for her Savior!

Diane’s story doesn’t end here. A couple of months after Russ and Diane buried their only daughter…Russ was laid off…the only guy in the place to be laid off. A short time later their oldest son (Eagle Scout, Sterling Scholar son) came out and told his parents he was gay. Even thought this loss wasn’t death…she felt that this was another child lost….they grieved the dreams they had for their son. Their love didn’t stop (all of us love him and always will) but it was a very hard time. …sometimes it still is.

Diane grew again through this loss…..her testimony is build on the Rock, our Redeemer and she stands firm in the Gospel. Diane is now serving as Relief Society President in her ward…a calling she would have really struggled with years ago…she enjoys her calling and loves serving the sisters in her ward. Her marriage to Russ is still going strong…they have gone through so much together…. And yet their love has endured.

Just as the song that played on that horrible day….the song we heard in the car that upset Diane so much….”We can be together forever someday, we will be together forever someday!” this helps keep Diane moving forward in life….she knows her daughter is waiting for all of them….because of the sealing covenant Diane and Russ can be with their daughter someday….some glorious day!

On May 31^st 2009 Jessica would have turned 7….I share this story to honor her memory…and to tell her how much I love her. I also share this story…because it is one of the greatest examples to me of enduring,, overcoming and coming to understand that trials are the Lord’s way of helping us become who he knows we can…and to come unto Him!

What I haven’t shared is how this experience with my sister helped me in my own grief over children. I will share that another time. Thank You for spending a little time reading about another of our small adventures.

For my friends who are in pain.

Today after I took my Sunday cat nap...I went to my room to start on a presentation Brad and I are giving in August...it is on how to cope with a failed placement. I already had this website open on my laptop and saw this clip. The title..."Hope ya know, We had a hard time" reminds me of being back in those sad sad childless days when I hurt more than I felt any other feeling. Pain was my existence. I needed validation and someone to talk to....I needed healing. Through the Lord's tender mercies a piece of hope was renewed and while the pain was still there at every moment I was able to live. Then I had the opportunity to serve in FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) and my life began to change...and I started to grow.

If you are feeling down today...if your existence is filled with pain.... know you are not alone and there will come a day that joy will fill your heart beyond your capacity to hold it! In the meantime find a way to serve others...lift another and you will find your heart lifted. President Hinckley is quoted saying to a woman who just lost her husband..."Work will cure your grief, lose yourself in service."

Take time to listen to this clip....and know that Heavenly Father hears and answers your prayers... your are Loved!

Something good

I am writing this at 1:31 pm but not posting it until later tonight....I want to keep Matching Monday kids the first thing you see today. But I also need to write.

I just got back from court. It is official "little Edward" is on his way to the rest of his life with his parents. He will no longer have to go from one crib to another crib. He gets to be in one place and parented by the same two people from now on. I am so excited for him and for his parents! They have worked hard....they have changed their entire lives because they love him.

Before we went into the court room little Edward's parents presented me with 4 big pictures of little Edward for us (the Dad works for a printing buisness). They are pictures that we had taken of him while he was with us. I am so touched by this act of love...it was their way of saying "Thank You". I can't express what this gift means to me and my family!

While it is tender to know I won't be "mothering" little Edward anymore I am left with this overwhelming sense that we have done something good.

To those of you who read this blog and leave me sweet comments....Thank YOU for being a support to me as I ride in this roller coaster on my journey to a fourth child. You have been such a blessing to me and I appreciate your thoughts!

The funny thing is I am enjoying the roller coaster as much as I am looking forward to the destination.

So bring on the next ride.....we are ready to roll!!!!

Aching arms.

Last night I had a dream about my favorite baby.
She came to visit and she was around 3 years old.
She remembered me and talked to me and hugged me.
She knew I loved her very much.
My arms ache for her this morning!
I want her here with me...to care for her and love her and mother her.
Just when I think I am doing better...the ache in my heart flares up again.
I love her so much!!!!

Her wonderful Aunt left me a message on my cell phone. I found it this morning. I didn't even realize I had missed a call. Once I get myself together emotionally I will return her call. She is like a lifeline for me. She shares with me how Ashanti is doing. I am so thankful for this sweet lady!!!!

I have wondered how long it takes other foster parents to be able to talk about the child they had to say goodbye to and NOT cry or get emotional.
I thought maybe I knew...but I don't.
Maybe someday I will.

Lil' Edward

I am excited and sad to say our cute "hunka chunk a burnin' love" will not be spending the night at our house every night anymore.
He gets to be with his parents two nights a week.
I am so excited for his parents and I am so happy that this case is finally moving forward instead of feeling like forever on hold.
But I am sad for me.
I love this little guy and I am going to miss waking up to his huge grin and jabbering voice.
He has been such a joy to care for!
This isn't as hard as letting go of Ashanti but my heart kind of hurts today and tears are coming to the surface...but that is all part of this incredible experience.
Lil' Edward is the first newborn baby boy I have ever had the chance to mother and he will always have a special place in my heart!
I have to admit I am so happy that when I say goodbye to him it won't be forever...I still get to see him.
That makes me very happy!

Our time is Short

I got word today that we are moving along in the case...3 parent visits (these are all day visits) are changing to 4. I know this is a good thing...I can see that. I love Little Edward! He is so full of smiles and giggles and is really showing his personality these days.
HE IS SO FUN!!!
I knew when I said yes to this case it was highly unlikely that we would be adopting him. And I have loved watching people make changes in their lives for the better. I am glad I have been part of this process!
All of these positive things make me happy but I can't deny how weak I am...I am going to miss this baby.
My heart feels sad as we gear up to say goodbye.
I hope someday I will get to share a few pictures of him with you...he is a handsome little fella!

Battles

I have decided today as I pondered on some things that have been bothering me
(this seems to be the norm while I do laundry or clean house)
that I have many battles I fight in my life.
I am sure we all do.

Right now I am battling my weight....it is a never ending battle it seems.
I have been up and down my entire life.
I do have something to blame other than my lack of will power...it is called PCOS.
PCOS keeps weight on and ovulation at bay.
But I can't blame it all on that.
I haven't been taking care of myself and it suddenly dawn on me that this last 20ish pounds has come on me since Ashanti left.
Apparently I have been trying to eat my grief away. I also have torn cartilage in my knee so it has been hard to get on my treadmill like I use to.
I am fighting this battle with prayer, weight watchers and any exercise my knee will allow.
So far I have winning days and losing days.
(or maybe the winning days are the losing days)
Anyway
I feel like I am at war with it all!

Then there is the battle with grief.
Just when I think I am doing alot better I have a really hard day and realize I am not dealing with the grief completely.
Saturday I decided it was time to tackle the large overflowing box of Ashanti's old clothes that I had stuffed in a closet until I was strong enough to deal with it.
I did get them taken care of but I bawled the whole time. At first I was looking at each piece and remembering but it became too much so I started to just stuff the two boxes so I could close them quickly.
Very un-Brenda like.
But it hurt so much to know she wouldn't be back to wear them. I sent as many as I could to her but there were still many left.
I miss her more than I can express and I wonder if my heart will always have this hole left in it or if time heals that wound? I know my Savior can heal it but I don't think I have dealt with it in the way I need to be ready for that healing.
And I think I still have things to learn.

Next I battle with family building.
Contrary to popular belief adopting IS NOT the easy way to build a family.
I don't think anything that is of worth comes very easy.
I have been doubting the feelings I have had that tell me there is another child meant for our family. I feel like I keep trying but the outcome I am hoping will come, doesn't. I guess that is why faith is so important.
This battle is worth all the effort but sometimes I am tired.

And Lastly I battle fear.
I know it sounds silly...but I fear for my family, my community, my country.
I don't like what I see happening in Washington...some days it truly does scare me.
Things seem so unsure.
I decided I would start letting my voice be heard by contacting my Senator and Congress Rep.
I think doing something will help me feel a little better.
I am grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge I have regarding these days we live.
But I do worry at times. And today was one of those times.

So those are the battles in my head today.
Writing is very therapeutic for me so it helps to get them out.

I DO plan to win my battles....just watch me!