Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Infertility: Releasing Pain

On September 13th of this year I posted something on Facebook to help me mark THE day I laid the last tiny piece of hope to rest.  I would like to share this post here on my blog but I want to give you a little information about what let up to the post.
Brad and I have been married 18 years next month.  We have built our family through adoption.  We are extremy blessed and I would never choose another road.   Before we turned to adoption we tried to get pregnant.   After each of our first two adoptions we sought treatment again.  After the last round of treatment I ended up on bedrest with a life threatening complication.   After that we close the door on treatment (thankfully).  In 2007 I had surgery to remove my right ovary due to a large cyst that was at first believed to be malignant (it wasn' thankful).  In March of this year I had another ovary surgery to remove a Dermoid cyst (which I nicknamed my "Vampire cyst" due to the tissue that can be found in a dermoid).   Everyone said that we should just remove the ovary and be done but my doctor didn't feel good about it and I wanted to hang on to my ovary "just in case" the Lord decided to open my womb and send another child.  Leaving this option open allowed me to hang on to this tiny hope.   For years this tiny hope has been there and allowed me to put off dealing with the true state of my infertility.    I have come to realize the past few months that this hope isn't a true was a missguided hope that I have created myself.   I have known for years that pregnancy and child birth and all of that was not the way the Lord would create my family.   

After my surgery in March my doctor wanted me to take Birth Control Pills to protect the ovary from future cysts.   I didn't want I didn't.   In September I ended up in the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst.  The pain was so intense that I knew I didn't want to go through it again so I decided after talking with my husband and my Bishop that I would use the pill to help protect my health.  I also knew this would put to rest my tiny missugided hope.   I didn't dwell on it and moved forward.   After taking the meds I needed to take to bring on a period and help resolve the cyst completely, I waited and waited for a period.   It was taking a long time to come and I was having a few symptoms that started me wondering if I could possibly be pregnant.   Again the missguided hope allowed me to think of these things.   I knew I wasn't pregnant but it wasn't until the period came on that day (Sept. 13th) that I had to face the end of that tiny hope.   It was a painful day and I needed a place to voice the pain... once I did I could be free from it finally.

So the following is what I wrote that day.   As I wrote I sobbed and sobbed and was so glad everyone was in bed for the night.  
 I wanted to share this with you hoping it helps someone else who is traveling the road I have traveled.   YOU are not alone...there are many of us.  We each have our own feelings and struggles along the road but we can reach out to one another and offer our love, support and validation. 
 My Facebook Post
I know it is good to stay positive in life and I realize facebook is a weird place to write feelings but I feel like I have to say this out loud to kind of mark the day and lay it to rest finally.
Today the hope, tiny and misguided as it was died.
I will never see a positive pregnancy test.
I will never grow a child inside of my womb.
I will never create a body that will be given a Spirit.

I will never give birth or be the first to hold my baby.
I will never see my blue eyes or curly hair on another human being.
I will leave this earthly existence leaving nothing physical behind to go on for generations.
I hope that my children will carry my passion for family and love for them onto their children and I hope in some way I will be remembered for something good.

I know I am a daughter of God and I know Jesus Christ is my Savior. It has been a long long road to get to today. Even before we were married I carried the burden of "what if". While today is a difficult day for me I know I have many things to live for and rejoice in. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be filled with a new kind of that it sure and true because I know my Savior heals broken things. I am not broken but laying this tiny misguided hope to rest hurts... but I know once His healing is applied I will be stronger and hopefully a better Brenda.

Thanks for listening.

In the comment section of this post I later added the following: 

Thanks everyone! I am deeply touched! Yesterday was a tough day. Today is a little better and it will get even better from here on out. In some ways it is a relief to be in this place. I feel as though I am free.  I did want to let you know that I believe in promises and I know there have been many made regarding "after this life". I believe in those promises...I was just trying to get out what was weighing me down. I also wanted to add that I am ok...I just needed to write and let my inner voice share what was deep inside hurting. For me writing and not holding in thoughts helps me and I have learned I have to give voice to pain. Years ago I was in a really bad place with infertility and I sough help. It was through the counseling that I was prepared for the healing only the Savior can give. I am so thankful my heart has been healed and that is how I know that the pain that is coming from this last part of my struggle will also be healed. I am thinking positive and moving forward today. Thank you for your friendship and love and support! It is a wonderful feeling to know I have dear friends who are there for me if I need a listening heart! Love all of you!!!! And to my special sweet friends who have blessed me by trusting me with their little ones....I love you so much and I can never express how the love you have for your baby blessed my life fully! I know you didn't place them with me for me...but through your courageous and selfless act I get to be a Mother! Thank you a million times! I count you as some of my choicest blessings!

The day after I wrote this I was feeling a bit better but tired as though I had just finished a long run but it was a mental fatigue.   But the day after that was a whole new day.   This is what I posted on Facebook:
Today is the first day of a new kind of life for me! 
It is an awesome day!!! 
 I feel so blessed!

Why was I able to bounce back from this pain so quickly?   Because I took care of the incredibly deep grief dealing with my infertility and  with adoption loss years ago as I sought counseling.   I know it was through counseling my heart and mind and soul was prepared for true healing that only comes through the Savior Jesus Christ.  And over a period of time the healing grew and I became whole.   Healing has come again and I feel free....really free!   I am still infertile but I am also much more!  
I am peaceful and happy and excited about what I will do in my future. 
And best of all....I am filled with true hope that guides me down the paths I need to travel and focus on.
True Hope is Good!
Read more about my infertility journey here.

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