Life is happening all the time.

I guess my goals for my blog were a little lofty.  I was ready to write, ready to share and ready to jot down memories we were making here in our little home.   But life happened.   And then it happened again, and again until I realized....this IS life!

To give you a basic run down this is how life has gone from Feb. 5th until today.

Spencer has surgery on his burn scar, less than a week later I get a bad virus, a week later Spencer (who is still healing and we are taking many trips to the burn center) gets sick.  We go to the ER due to major asthma attack brought on by the virus.   He starts to get better then is hit with a new virus the next week.  We are back to the ER where I finally say "hey we need a nebulizer at home people!" (Ok so I didn't say it like that but honestly wanted to.) Spencer improves just to in time to get a brand new virus the next week (yes, if you are counting that is 3 weeks in a row of different viruses).  This one gives him very high fevers, massive headache and a week full of yuck.   Thankfully this virus didn't trigger the asthma.   But wait....it doesn't end there.   During a moment of feeling better, or so I thought, Spencer's Orthopedic doctor had him cast on both legs to help stretch out his tendons in the back of his legs to help him be able to walk on his whole foot/feet.  So here is this little 5 year old with only one truly working limb.

 We are still making trips to the burn center as we go through the long process of helping prevent new scar tissue where they did the cutting for the zplasty. He wears a pressure glove on his hand.  He also now wears leg braces and has to go back to get his legs rechecked soon.  Last time I counted, on top of the surgery and 2 ER visits we had over 20 office visits just for Spencer since Feb 5th.   It is well over 20 by now.  

But wait....Camden is now in his 2nd round of influenza virus.

This round is a little easier than the first.

And now we come to me.  
Apparently the weeks and weeks of helping my youngest took it's toll on my body.  I ended up in an ambulance/ER with heart palpitations.   All is well....my body just can't tolerate stress so it likes to kick out many many PVCs.   They are common with most people but mine appear to be stronger and they cause symptoms like dizziness and shortness of breath so after following up with a cardiologist we have a plan of action with medication and life style changes.   I am suppose to simplify my life and let some things go.   My only problem is some of those things I can't let go of permanently.
 So I am not sure what I am to do when I have to pick a few things up again.
I am a little nervous.
Any Advice?

Our Christmas Baby ~ Camden's Story

In Doctrine and Covenants 88:119, the Lord tells us to “prepare every needful thing.”
Sometimes we don’t know how to prepare because
we cannot see what is ahead. But as our
family learned this past year, the Lord helps us
as we listen to and act upon His promptings. He
steps in and prepares “the needful things” that
we cannot prepare for ourselves.
Christmas 2006 was extra exciting at the Horrocks
house. We received a call from a girl who
had first contacted us through parentprofiles.com one year earlier.

When we first heard from Samantha (Sam), she was 17 and was struggling with the decision to parent or place her baby for adoption. We felt a connection to her from her first e-mail, and over time we developed a special friendship. She told us she was thinking of naming her baby Camden if it was a boy. That was the same name we had chosen. In the end, she decided to parent. We continued to talk, and she even called us the day her baby was born. She named him Camden.
When another adoption fell through for us, Sam was one of the first to call and say how sorry she was. Sam would also call periodically when she needed to talk. One call she made on Dec. 11 changed our lives forever. She had decided to place with us after all. Following a crisis-filled week and many miracles, Samantha placed her beautiful eight-month-old baby boy in our arms. We
cried tears of joy.

We had always had special feelings about Samantha and Camden. We knew they were in our lives for a reason, but we had no expectations regarding the baby. We just loved Sam because she is a wonderful daughter of God. Looking back now, we see all the preparations the Lord made for us. We find meaning in every aspect of our year,
from our feelings about Sam and our pending adoption that fell through, to the foster care classes that taught us about bonding with an older infant. And yes, we even see meaning in the eight months when Camden was not in our family.
At placement, we were informed of some legalities that would apply to Camden. But when he turned 240 days old, those issues no longer applied. Samantha’s worker unknowingly ended up calling LDS Family Services headquarters to get clearance for the placement on day 241. Camden came to our home on just the right day and not a day sooner. The Lord knew the end from the beginning, and He lovingly prepared Sam and us for this miracle.

We testify that the Lord knows each of us. He knows our hearts and our heartaches. He is preparing each of us for blessings we cannot prepare for by ourselves.
We hope that in 2007 each family and each birth mother will find what the Lord’s plan is for them. Let us move forward and have faith, keeping our eyes on Him and remembering that He gives us the best gifts!

The REALity of ADHD.

I have grown up understanding what ADHD looks like.  I became an Aunt when I was 9.  My cute little active and energetic nephew was diagnosed with ADHD sometime in early elementary.   I remember my sister telling me her first real experience in seeing the difference medication can make in her child.  She said she took Josh to the mall and he held her hand the whole time.   He wasn't running around....he was calm.   Maybe this is why medication didn't scare me much.   I am thankful for that.    I am also realizing ADHD is way more than what I thought.  

One of the big challenges at our house is helping the our other kids understand what Camden is really dealing with.   One of my friends sent me this link:  If your friend's say they have adhd just show them this..   When I read this I laughed out loud and thought "This is my Camden to a T!"  I love how the author states that ADHD is like "Living in a soft rain of post-it notes."   I have used this to help my older kids grasp why Camden can't always remember what he is suppose to do and he has a lot to say.    It is a work in progress. 

We are trying a new medication for Cam.  So far it seems to be working really well.  He is making new friends, doing well in school and working hard to develop his "responsibility skills".   I am excited about the progress and try to remember when we have a hard day that "Rome wasn't built in a Day".

We have made a final decision on school.  After looking at all the options and researching and reading and praying we are going to give public school another go.   We will start next school year with a 504 plan in place and our school is being fantastic about choosing the right teacher for Cam.  I feel like we are heading in the right direction.   I will also be in the classroom on a very regular basis to help the teacher and to have the opportunity to observe and see what skills we might need to work on at home.    One great thing about going through all we did as we were trying to make the best decision for our son...we learned a lot about homeschooling.   I know I could do it if we needed to for any reason.
I find great peace in that knowledge!

Retreating

Maybe it is human nature or maybe it is just in my nature but when I feel hurt, upset or angry about something... I pull back.   I am pulling back right now....I am retreating or gathering myself together and making decisions about how I want to proceed from this point on.   I also need to write.   Writing brings a release for me.   I am thankful to have a place to write and to retreat.....a place to say what I need.

As I have posted recently we are working with a doctor to help my son with his ADHD and anxiety.  What I didn't state was there are issues at school that have exacerbated his challenges 10 fold.    About the same time Cam's ADHD symptoms really came out with red blinking lights a new child was brought into his class.  This child was in another teachers classroom but I am guessing this child became too much for that teacher.  From what I can tell now....this child probably has a pretty difficult diagnosis and the school is doing what they can for them.    For whatever reason this child has been a huge source of conflict for Cam.  And when there is a substitute involved.....Cam seems to get the raw end of the deal.   He has been kicked in the face by this kid (nothing happens to the kid), then the sub in that "rotation" kept my son after class and was rude to him and stated they hope they never have to sub for that class or school again.   I report to the office...I have no idea what happened if anything.   I am guessing after today's super fun time (I say wish sarcasm dripping) somehow Cam was probably blamed for things that day as well.  I don't want to go into today....it is a Sub says vs Cam says situation.   I have no idea what really went on.   I am guessing the truth lies in the middle somewhere.   But I can say this....I am tired.    Tired of guessing what is really going on at school.  I am tired of feeling like I am not heard.  I am tired of having to figure out how to help my child stay away from kids who are mean or who have challenges difficult enough they are making challenges for other children.   I feel badly for these kids who struggle that much.   I am sure their parents are tired too.   But I am not their parent....I am Cam's parent.   I am Cam's advocate.   It is time for Brad and I to make some big decisions about our child's education, mental well being and make a plan.    I don't know if this will mean having a big meeting at school, or looking at other schools as an option or maybe even homeschooling.   Thankfully there are many resources.    I just know I am done hearing stories about my child hiding  in the coat room all recess because in his words "It is dangerous out there!"

I was told yesterday by Cam's teacher that "No.   Medication is not making a difference. He is still easily distracted."   Good feedback but I felt deflated.   I could see some difference at home...but she saw none.   The words felt cold.  

I am ready for school to be out for the summer.  I am ready to gather my little chicks and nurse their wounds from the year and feed them love and fun and carefree days.   It will be healing for me as well as for them.

ADHD

I hear a lot of advise, beliefs and opinions from people when I start talking about our new challenges with our son.   Tomorrow as we meet with our pediatrician we are hoping for answers.....we think the diagnosis will be Type 1 ADHD.  (What use to be known as ADD).

I have been doing a lot of reading on this topic.  I was surprised to read in "ADHD A complete and Authoritative Guide" that medication is the first line of treatment recommended for most children.   The author, Dr. Michael I. Reiff,  states "...it is important to consider that while many parents view placing their children on stimulant medication as a last resort- after all other measures have been tried- research has shown that such other treatments are more likely to work if the child is also taking stimulants.  By helping the child focus, stimulants lay the groundwork for him to be able to respond better to behavior management techniques, academic instruction, and other demands on his attention." (page 54-55)  

No matter what diagnosis is made and no matter what treatment path we decide to take I have learned alot about this disorder.   I am thankful for friends who are working hard everyday to help their child face their own challenges with this disorder....they have taught me so much.   Treatment methods seem to be a hot topic when it comes to ADHD.  In the end a parent needs to do what they feel is best for their child.   Support from those outside the family circle is greatly appreciated.

My friend sent me this awesome image.....I love it!!!!
Not only is it helpful for me but it is how I can explain the issue to those around us.
By sending it to me, my friend validated what I was going through as a parent ....She thought of me when she saw this and thought it might be something I could use.
I love friends like her!

Hope you might find it helpful in some was as well.
At the very least...it is cute and pleasing to the eye.  :)

by Legionnaire.
Explore more visuals like this one on the web's largest information design community - Visually.

Empathy and Mothering

I am heartsick tonight for my little 7 year old.  
He has so many worries, so many fears.   It reminds me of someone I know.....ya, that would be ME!

I am thankful tonight for having the opportunity to "get" my child.

Anxiety, worries, fears....they have been part of my life as far back as I can remember and when I look into my little boy's big brown anxious eyes I see a little of myself.   I wish he didn't have to deal with this challenge but he does and so I count my blessing that I can say "Cam, I totally understand and it is going to be ok".   Together me and my little buddy are going to take these sour lemons and make some awesome lemonade.

I know we can because it has been done before in my own life.   With help from our loving Heavenly Father all things are possible...I know this without a doubt!

Camden had to fill out his paperwork portion for his big doctor's appointment on Monday.   Some of his answers to the questions were totally awesome and made me laugh like when it asked him if he could wish for anything  what would it be (he got to share three).   So he writes: 1.  A new sister (not going to be happening), 2.  a stuffed bunny rabbit (really??? ) and his last one 3.   Three more wishes.   I thought he would put something like a trip to Disneyland or a huge box of Legos ....but no....a new sister and a stuffed bunny??   Cracks me up!     Answers to other questions made my heart drop and left me sick to my stomach like when he said he doesn't have a best friend and kids at school don't like him.   I don't know how much of this is truly accurate but accurate or not if he really believes it then he feels it.   This understanding makes me so sad.

Tonight I am staying up late again with my 4 year old who has strep.  We are enjoying Frozen together.   Spencer is doing better tonight for which I am thankful.    It is so hard to see little people in pain.  Here again empathy helps me be a better mother....helps me be able to understand the pain  my child is dealing with.   My own challenges and pain in the end help me help my family.....never really thought about it that way before.   

So here's to lemons and lemonade.....it might take some work but it is going to be ok!

Back to my blog...and wow do I need to write!

Due to family needs Brad and I have stepped down as United For Adoption Chairs.   It was a very hard decision but our kids come first and they needed more of us...more of me.   We are still Chairs until we have a replacement. 

This prompting to let go of a few things came at a time when I could clearly see the kids needed more from me and I needed to be focused and mentally present on them and with them.   We let our Advisor (Steve Sunday who is awesome!!!)  know of our decision  and I have felt nothing but peace really.   Little did I know there was something new coming around the corner....a new challenge  adventure that would bring even more understanding that the Lord knows the end from the beginning.   The ball I was hoping would never drop....well it dropped.

Friday morning I got a call from Cam's teacher letting us know Cam was struggling and she had seen a change come about the past couple of months.   She went on to talk about examples like:   staring off at the wall, blurting out during instruction time, getting up from his chair and wandering the room, not paying attention during instruction time and then not able to do seat work because he hadn't been listening, playing with small objects (like a wood chip) rather than doing work.....the list goes on but you get the picture.   Lots of problems with attention.   What this teacher didn't know was I was seeing the same things at home.   I had just been talking to a friend the week before about how I felt that "something was different" and I was worried.   Cam has always had problems focusing to a degree.   He has always had a hard time following instructions/directions without getting side tracked but the past few months have been so much worse.   I wasn't sure what it was but once I heard from the teacher I could see the whole picture a little better.  As I listened to the teacher share with me what Camden's days were like at school my heart sank and I realized this big ball I have been worried about had officially dropped.   It has been hanging over my head since before Kindergarten started.   After a very tough adjustment to school I thought maybe this "thing" I am worrying about really isn't there.   But over time I could see signs that kind of whispered to me...."I'm here".  This ball I believe is called ADHD and I feel pretty sure Camden has the inattentive type.   We are doing lots of paper work right now and doing lots of reading, pondering and watching and lots and lots of praying.  We want Camden to have the best in life so we will look this new "adventure" right in the face and move forward and do all we can.    

We can do hard things!!!!

Speaking of hard things....I am working on a personal project right now.  I will write more about it later but you can go here to see what I have been up to.
I Count For Them

Camden's Tonsillectomy Adventure.

After a school year filled with days and days and weeks of absences and tonsils so big they left only a small hole to breath and eat we went to the
Pediatric ENT.  
The doctor told us the tonsils and adenoids needed to go. 
So yesterday was the day! 
I took a few picture so Camden could remember his 4+ hour adventure at Primary Children's Hospital.


Camden meeting with the Child Life Specialist so he wouldn't be so anxious about the surgery.
He found out he would be asleep when the IV went in.  They give the younger kids sleeping gas and Camden was excited to pick his favorite candy flavor air.   After smelling a bunch of flavors he picked strawberry.

This is Camden after surgery....not right after but about 20 minutes or so after.  He was in alot of pain but the nurses were quick to solve the issue.   He really did great!

Four (or more) hours later we were on our way home.   He got to keep his yellow socks and the his special stuffed "buddy".  
He had a great experience thanks to caring staff and awesome doctors! 
I am so proud of this little guy!

Camden and his Tonsils.

After too many sick days this school year and too many sore throats we decided to take Cam and his huge tonsils to get checked out by a Pediatric ENT.
Just as we suspected....they need to come out.
I learned alot about tonsils during Camden's appointment.

1.  Tonsils are really lymph nodes.

2.  Large/problematic tonsils can cause sleep apnea, attention issues during the day, increase in drainage/sinus issues and can delay growth. They also cause bad breath.

So Cam's big day is coming up in less than 2 weeks.  He said he isn't scared but ..
"My tonsils are nervous".  
Cam is choosing to think about the ice cream, Popsicles
and sprite that he gets to have for a while.
At least he can see the silver lining.

For Brad and me...the silver lining is hopefully a healthy little boy with rare sore throats.

Visiting Sam.

Before heading to California a couple of weeks ago we stopped off in Southern Utah for our girls dance
competition.Camden's Birth Family live in Cedar City so we got to visit Sam and her new baby girl and cute family while we were in town.   I am so happy for Sam....she has a little boy and a little girl now.   She loves being a Mom!  I am so thankful she has the opportunity to enjoy Motherhood!  Her hubby works hard so she can stay home with the kids.   Sam is a special friend and a great blessing to me and my family!

Camden with Spencer and Jared.  Bunch of cute brothers.

Camden being silly with Haley's hair piece for dance.

Spencer had a facination with the big rocks in the parking lot.  He just had to build a tower.

Camden with his Birth Family. 
Open Adoption is Awesome!

My Christmas Baby

One of our pass-along cards.

Sometime after Haley blessed our lives I had feelings...promptings that there was someone missing from our family. The feeling was so strong at times that I would look around thinking there was a third child already there that I was missing. I had those feelings time and time again. I knew there was a 3rd child to come to our family and I really felt it was a boy but I was open to a girl as well..I just knew someone was missing.

I hadn't come to the total conclusion that we were never going to get pregnant yet...even though I knew it ....I didn't feel like I knew it.
I know that is clear as mud isn't it!
So we saved money and turned to treatment. Another round of stupid yucky clomid mixed with metformin I ended up with a very large follicular cyst and went on the pill for the rest of the cycle to try to get it to go away. I ended up in the emergency room and later it ruptured. It was lots of fun. But the fun was only beginning. We then went to superovulation medications. I got to inject myself in my belly for endless amount of days with ultrasound after ultrasound showing no ripe follicles. Then finally on day 100 (well not really but it felt like that) I finally had a few ripe ones. So they taught Brad how to give me the trigger shot of HCG which was suppose to make me ovulate. He did it (and probably had way to much fun stabbing me with that long needle....ok maybe I am remembering it wrong. :) and we waiting for the right day when we had to go in and do artificial insemination just to give the cycle the best chance possible. We did it all and then waited. A few days later I had felt horrible...I could hardly stand up. I drove myself to the clinic and could barely walk into the clinic....it was really bad. They did an ultrasound while I cried in pain....they found I had ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome....a complication that is life threatening. They couldn't see where one ovary ended and the next began...they were huge, swollen with multiple orange size follicular cysts. I was put on bed rest. They thought I must be pregnant because this usually happens when conception has occurred. I liked what they said but I didn't trust it and I kept my eyes and trust on the Lord. I knew He knew the real answer. About a week or little more later I started my lovely period. I was very very sad....but not surprised...I think I honestly knew. Even after all of that yuck..I would have gone through treatment again asap if I had the money. I wasn't ready to accept the Lord's will completely at that point. Over many many months I gradually grew to fully understand the Lords plan regarding how my family would be built. I had to accept His will before I got all of the answers. I remember one day standing by my stove cooking and I was hurting inside because I couldn't have the whole pregnancy experience. The pain was deep... my thoughts turned to Birth Mothers. I knew they felt pain as they were making decisions and yet they submit to the Lord's will and move forward with His plan even though it hurts inside. I don't know how to explain it but I realized at that moment I had to finally submit completely. I was so close for so long but I hadn't completely handed my will over. That day I believe was the day I did. The decision to feel the pain and accept it and be okay with His plan has only brought me happiness. The pain isn't even a part of my life anymore. It took alot of working, counseling, pondering and praying but with the Lord's help I have been able to move beyond sadness, grief and loss and discover the wonderful gifts the Lord had been preparing for me. I don't understand all yet but I understand enough. I also realize there are many reasons why I needed to have these experiences before child #3. We would go through more than we ever have gone through to get to the Birth Mother the Lord was preparing for us.....we had to be prepared for her. Not only prepared for her to be in our life but to be prepared for how all of our adoptions would change because of our experiences with our 3rd adoption.

In December of 2005 we had been on parentprofiles.com for almost 3 months. We had only received weird contacts or fake contacts and even a really ugly scam....but then there was this one email. Her name was Samantha and she logged onto parentprofiles after having a fight with her boyfriend. Already working with LDSFS she was pretty much planning to parent but she had thoughts....she felt promptings.....she was lead to our online profile. Upon receiving her first email I felt an instant connection and emailed her back right away...only to get my email returned because of a bad address. Then I noticed she added her phone number...I took a deep breath and prayed asking Heavenly Father for the courage to call if this was right. The courage came instantly and I made the call. I spoke to a very nice girl who I had just woken up. I felt stupid but relieved I called her. I let her know that I had tried to email her but got it returned. She told me she would email me again. Nothing came...days later...nothing. A few weeks went by. I kept thinking about her and felt I should do something...so as a last ditch effort we sent her a text message and hoped and prayed we would hear back. Nothing for a long time....then out of the blue we heard from her. Sam emailed us and we emailed back and forth and started a friendship. We talked about names for the baby....she liked Camden for a boy. That was the name we had picked our for a boy if we ever were blessed with one. Samantha decided to parent....but I always felt she would reconsider. She did reconsider twice before her baby was born. The second time she came up to Salt Lake with her Mom. We met them at the agency and when we walked in they felt so familiar...I knew I had met them before somewhere. They followed us home where we had dinner and talked for a long time. It was wonderful to get to know them and we grew to love her even more....but we knew she would decide to parent. Days later she called and told us just that. We understood....we expected it and we supported her. WE still felt a huge connection to her and decided maybe we were brought together to be a support to her. So our friendship continued.

Flowers give to us by Brad's parents.

Surprise package delivered....flowers from an online friends.

Back up a little bit in this story so I can add another item. A few days after that first email from Samantha we received another legitimate contact with parentprofiles. Her name was Tabitha (name changed)...she lived in Montana and she was barely pregnant...we are talking 5 weeks along. After talking with her for weeks she decided she wanted to place with us. (There is more to this part of the story I will share another time). So around 11 weeks (or maybe earlier I can't remember now) our file was put on firm hold. We were ok with it because we had been through a long firm hold with Haley's adoption and it paid off big time. We trusted that she was real..she went to LDSFS and received counseling and we felt she was serious. So we had this going on but still had hope that Sam would return our email/phone call. While we felt excited about Tabitha...we never did feel that connection like we did with Samatha but we didn't understand the meaning of that feeling at that time.

Ok so back to the Samantha story....our friendship continued and on April 17th 2006 I got another call from Sam. She had just given birth to her baby boy she named Camden. She delivered at home and still hadn't delivered her placenta. I found it interesting that she would call us after delivering....right after. That day I felt I knew something but I didn't let my mind dwell on it. I just focused on the fact that she was this baby's mother and she had made her decision. And I knew she was meant to be in my life no matter what. So we continued to support her emotionally....we enjoyed our friendship with her. Weeks later she sent up some pictures of Camden. Once again I had strong feelings and felt like I was looking at my baby...but he wasn't mine and I knew that so I closed the lid to the laptop and cried. I tried to just hold on to the knowledge that we had a baby girl coming to our home through Tabitha who was due in August. The summer came and we continued our lives and was excited about the baby girl that was to bless our home. We picked the name Elizabeth Anne. The closer we got to her due date the stranger things became with Tabitha (a big story for another day). In the end Tabitha decided to parent but didn't let us know until after we found out by looking at the hospital website (it was a prompting that lead us to look). We contacted her to ask what was going on. Then she finally told us. This was a hard blow. The next day we went to FSA National Conference Picnic and that weekend the conference. We had to present on scams. I was so grateful for conference and for the people at the conference that year....there was no place on earth that would have been better than with a whole bunch of people who totally understood the loss we felt.

Upon receiving word about our failed placement....Samantha was one of the first to call and say how sorry she was this happened. She was so sweet and I was so thankful for her!! Our friendship continued and we talked on the phone off and on....then one day in December we got a call from

Placement Day.

Sam....but this call was different. She said many things and I wasn't sure what I was hearing at first but then she told me she felt her little boy was meant to be with us and that he deserved more than she could give him. Less than 1 week later Samantha placed Camden in our arms. It was December 17th 2006....his 8 month mark.....and 1 year and 2 days from Sam's very first email to us. We found out at placement that because of some legalities that applied to Samantha we would have had to have special approval for Camden's placement if she would have placed before day 240 after his birth. Sam's worker at LDS FS got approval from HQ on day 241 not knowing the 240 day rule. There was a reason Camden's Birth Mother decided to parent at first...but no one knew anything about that reason except the Lord. I KNEW in a different way that day that the Lord knows the end from the beginning. He was guiding things all along and those times when I felt like nothing was going on....He was working miracles. "I once was blind but now I see"! I see how he carried each of us through to placement day.

After the Placement dinner and everyone had gone home.  Bonding time.

Placement day was wonderful.  So many people gathered together to witness this incredible act of love...this handmade miracle!

After placement we invited Sam and her Mom and sister over to our home for a special dinner.  Sam got to see Camden's room and see where Camden would grow up.  When I think back on it all I am amazed how Sam and her Mom and sister were able to hold it together like they did.   They were amazing!!!  

There was a very special feeling in our home that night!
It was an amazing journey to this special little boy....our little Christmas miracle!

Our Christmas Baby!  This cute outfit came with him from his Birth Family!  Love it!

We saw through this long road how the Lord knows the end from the beginning!  
He truly gives us the best gifts!

A third adoption...a third child.

My family in 2005.

I came across something I wrote back in 2005.

I was struggling with the challenge of adopting a 3rd time...our 3rd child.

We had just come away from an adoption scam that truly rocked me to the core and I doubted everything and everyone for a long time after that.

We had also tried fertility treatment for one final time and I ended up on bed-rest with ovaries filled with huge cysts.  It was so bad they couldn't see where one ovary ended and the next began. They thought I was pregnant. Nope! 

During the time we started working on bringing a 3rd child to our family I learned so much.  Even learned how putting the Lord first will bring about small and mighty miracles.   

You can read one of the stories here.

By the time I wrote this I was feeling so tired and yet I had no idea what was about to come to pass.   Not long after writing this I received an email from 2 different girls.  One went back and forth about placing and decided to parent and the other chose us and we went through the entire pregnancy with her.  She ended up parenting in the end and didn't bother to tell us...we found out online through the hospital web site.  She was already home with the baby girl we had bee working so hard preparing for.  (Including inducing lactation....oh ya fun times.)

The first girl ended up changing our lives forever....you can read that story on Friday.

I felt I should share this today...maybe there is another hopeful adoptive Mom out there feeling the way I did when I wrote this.   If so...You are not alone.   Hang on....your  Miracle is coming and it will be better than anything you could think up on your own!

For my third child...
So many feelings...so much longing...no peace for the moment.  I want so much to learn you are coming to our home soon.  Coming home to my heart, my aching arms and to my love.

I have been holding on to these feelings that have come over the past 3 years.  Feelings you are suppose to be here.  I search the room to see where you are and you are not yet here.  I laugh at myself thinking it was only a silly thought yet I know it isn't.  You will come...someday.

Feelings of loneliness are trying to take over.  My friends get pregnant after adopting and others are done family building...but not me.   I have been blessed to know you will come through adoption.  I do all I can to find you and your sweet Birth Mother but no one really sees the effort.  No one sees the pain inside as I carry you in my heart hoping the day will come soon when I will be loving you in my arms.  No one understands what it is like to be hoping for a third child through adoption.  Even other adoptive moms don't understand.  They are quick to treat me as if my third journey isn't hard and isn't deserving of any compassion.   I feel like hiding away until you get here.

I must need to grow and develop new qualities before I can be your Mother.  I have come so far and learned so much yet I know I have so much more to learn.  For you I will go through anything...move any rock...climb any mountain, because I love you!

Your Birth Mother must be so special.  She must be so strong to be able to go through all of this.  I am so thankful for my infertility because I have the opportunity to love your Birth Mother.  I believe yours is extra special  because I am being fine tuned by the Lord.   I anxiously await word from her that she has found us and already loves us just like we have love for her.

How incredible will be the day that you come into this world and how grateful will I be to have you come into my arms.  I await with much love and tenderness...my precious baby!

Stitch turns 6!

Sam with her Sister, Jazmine, and Mom, Brenda, (ironic isn't it lol) and or course Camden with his cute little grin!  Camden comes from a Beautiful Birth Mother...inside and out!

Today my busy little boy turned 6!
We have been busy celebrating Camden (aka Stitch) this past week by going to a restaurant of his choice which happened to be Chuck -E- Cheese.   He has a blast eating and playing games!   Last night we had the cake and ice cream and presents.   My camera was giving me fits so I have not pictures to share today but I couldn't let the day go without shouting to the world how much I love my little guy!    He is so smart and fun and totally all boy!   I am so thankful Heavenly Father helped him get to our family.     Camden comes from an amazing Birth Mother.   We recently got to visit her while on a family trip.  We live about 4 hours away from one another so we don't get to see her very often.   It was so fun to spend some time with her and she her Mom and Sisters and her hubby and little boy.    She gets to be a stay at home Mom which is something she really wanted to be able to do so I am so happy for her!   

Camden is a great blessing to our family and his story amazes me even now!
You can read his story here.
Or a shorter published version here.
I am so thankful to have him in my life!   He teaches me so many things but most of all through his example I learn how to be forgiving and kind and to see the humor in the everyday things.
Camden...I can't believe you are really 6!
Just 2 more years buddy and you will be in Cub Scouts....it's coming just like we keep telling you.   For me it is coming much too quickly!
Happy Birthday my little Stitch!

Spencer & Camden anxiously awaiting Sam's arrival at Arby's. 
They make me giggle!

Camden heads to Kindergarten

Camden was up and dressed by 7:00 this morning anxious and ready to start his first day of school.
He wore his new red sports t-shirt and new jeans.   He looked like a big kid which makes him happy.
We got to School and Camden couldn't wait to play on the playground.   I took his picture and he was off making friends and having fun.   Once the bell rang I realized how large this Kindergarten class really was.   Thirty One 5 year old all lined up with nervous expressions.   All eyes were on these little cuties along with many camera lenses and hopeful and encouraging smiles being shared.  I think Kindergarten is as much of a milestone for the parents as it is for the children. 

I hugged Camden before he got in line and told him I loved him.    

Camden was excited and a little nervous but very ready to jump into this new adventure. He quickly got in line and was ready to start this day.    I really didn't think I would get super emotional today since this was my 3rd child to enter school but I was really wrong.   Watching Camden walk into his classroom was emotional.   My little boy who has been full of energy  and fun and also the test on my patience was no longer a toddler or a preschooler....he was a big boy ready to be away from me for a while each day.   In that moment I realized how much I will miss him and all of his funny little ways.   I realized how much I would give to get to do these 5 years again if I could and how I would do things a little differently.   I suddenly realized my little boy is growing up and there isn't anything I can do about it and then suddenly I felt the emotions of all of these things and I have had trouble keeping them at bay all day.

Camden is now home from his first day at school and is bursting with excitement because he got to bring home folders that include homework for him to do.   In his eyes he is finally like his sisters....BIG.   In my eyes he is my sweet little boy who can't wait to grow up, but thankfully  today he is just my little Kindergartner. It is my goal to soak up every moment of this special year...the last year he will be under my watchful eyes for the majority of the day.        

Brothers

This is our patio we have been working on. We are almost done laying the stone...we need to cut a few piece and then add the sand and sealer on top but rain doesn't seem to want to go away.  But the boys are excited to play on it anyway.

Spencer is now 21 months old.  

He is learning how to play and Camden is ready and willing to be the teacher. 

My heart melts every time I see them playing together. 

I am reminded how blessed I am to have these little people in my life and how blessed they are to have each other.

It is such a privileged to have miracles walking around me everyday.

Friday Family Fun: Thank You Sam!!!

On December 15th 2005 Brad and I received an email from a Birth Mother who found us on Parentprofiles.org. She told us how much she loved her baby.   She shared her feelings about finding our profile and feeling a "connection".   At this point she was 24 weeks pregnant.   When I read her email I felt a connection to her and knew I needed to reply.   When the email didn't go through I used the phone number provided.   I was so scared to call so I said a prayer and then made the call.   I had no idea that one year (almost to the day) of that first email I would have a beautiful 8 month old baby boy placed in my arms.   December 17th 2006 Samantha lovingly placed Camden into our family.    What an incredible day it was!   Camden has a very special story...you can read it here.   Here is the a shorter/published version of his story. Today I just wanted to tell Sam - THANK YOU!  You are amazing and I love you!!!   Thank you for helping Heavenly Father bring Camden to our family.    Thank you for being a special friend.    Thank you for having the courage to email me 5 years ago.  
You have changed our lives forever!

And Camden...I don't know what I would do without you!  Thank you for all the hugs and kisses you share and the laughs you provide!  Daddy and I feel so lucky to be your parents!

You are truly a blessing!

Conversations with Stitch

Stitch in the chocolate milk mustache and his little girl friend
(you know a girl that's a friend. :)

We have a little 4 year old in our house I have nicknamed "Stitch".  Go here if you want to know why.
Life is an adventure with this little boy!   Recently Camden (or Stitch) has been saying and doing some pretty funny things.

While at our friends house being babysat Stitch and his little girl friend were having a conversation about Spiderman.  (Let me preface this by saying Stitch thinks he IS Spiderman).   Stitch's little girl friend says
"You know Camden, Spiderman isn't real!" 
Camden/Stitch gets up and starts doing flips and kicks and puts on quite a show and then comes back to this little girl friend and says
"Is that real enough for ya?"

Just yesterday while in the van coming back from Haley's dentist appointment I told Stitch he needed to have some rest time.   Haley asked why Stitch needed rest time.  I told her that he was sounding like he didn't feel very good (he had a scratchy voice and sounded like he was coming down with a bad cold).   Stitch pipes up from the back seat...
"Ya, I have a new voice because I eat my buggers....they make me have a new voice!"

Seriously....I love this kid!!!!!

Maybe my kids should wear helmets all day long!

I am not sure what it is with my kids but obviously they are related to my big sister, Laraine.  Laraine has broken who knows how many bones and has had like a billion surgeries.   She is so accident prone that my brother in law took out accident insurance for her.   I am starting to think we should do the same.   Yesterday I had to stop at Walmart on my way to my Mom's house.   Spencer was in the cart....Camden decided to stand on the bottom of the cart and lean back.   As you could guess the whole cart went over on it's side.   It was HORRIBLE!!!  I was so scared.  Both of my boys got hurt but it looks like they are going to be ok.   No stitches but big bruises and big goose eggs.   I am really really tired of the accidents and praying we can get to the end of the year in one piece.  :)

I wonder how Camden will be as a Kindergartner??  

 I have a year to ponder that one.  

YIKES!

Another day...another head wound.

I am starting to wonder if we need accident insurance on Camden.   Today while trying to get cake made for Spencer's Birthday the kids were suppose to be helping Cam clean his room.   I suddenly hear crying and hear Brenley apologizing.   Then I see him....Camden has lots of blood running down his face.   Brenley threw a toy car at him not thinking it would hurt him ...but or course it did.   He has a deep cut on his head.  It is deep but not wide at all.  So I am going to see if home remedies will do the trick.   He is so afraid of having to have stitches again and since this isn't where people would really see  a scar I think home care will be ok.   

Camden asked me "Mom will the Police take Brenley to Jail?"  I told him "No, they won't take her to jail".   He replied "Well I think the police should know about this!".   Then he kept saying how he hopes he doesn't have to go back to the hospital.   The nose repair is still very fresh in his mind.   

Brenley had a friend come over to play.   Haley answered the door and as I was walking past holding Camden's head in a towel I said "Brenley can't play....forever!".   

Just another adventure in the life of a stay at home Mom.

 Gotta love Summer!
For the record Brenley not only feels really bad about this but she is doing all of Cam's chores plus a bunch I am giving her to do.   And there will be no more throwing in the small adventures house!

My little Stitch has seven stitches.

After....
10 and 1/2 hours in the ER,
a broken nose,
mild concusion,
7 stitches,
struggling waking out of anesthesia,
moments away from being admitted (but he woke up right then),
and having a very close call with a very large deer...

Camden and I arrived home at 5:30 am today.

I'm very tired.
Maybe the movie about the boy in the bubble had the right idea? :)

Sorry for the blurry picture.  My camera has issues.  :(   This is Camden when he finally woke up all the way.  It took a long while.

So glad to be home.
Camden is glad to have a nose.  He kept asking over and over again...
"Is my nose going to fall off?"