Sometime after Haley blessed our lives I had feelings...promptings that there was someone missing from our family. The feeling was so strong at times that I would look around thinking there was a third child already there that I was missing. I had those feelings time and time again. I knew there was a 3rd child to come to our family and I really felt it was a boy but I was open to a girl as well..I just knew someone was missing.
I hadn't come to the total conclusion that we were never going to get pregnant yet...even though I knew it ....I didn't feel like I knew it.
I know that is clear as mud isn't it!
So we saved money and turned to treatment. Another round of stupid yucky clomid mixed with metformin I ended up with a very large follicular cyst and went on the pill for the rest of the cycle to try to get it to go away. I ended up in the emergency room and later it ruptured. It was lots of fun. But the fun was only beginning. We then went to superovulation medications. I got to inject myself in my belly for endless amount of days with ultrasound after ultrasound showing no ripe follicles. Then finally on day 100 (well not really but it felt like that) I finally had a few ripe ones. So they taught Brad how to give me the trigger shot of HCG which was suppose to make me ovulate. He did it (and probably had way to much fun stabbing me with that long needle....ok maybe I am remembering it wrong. :) and we waiting for the right day when we had to go in and do artificial insemination just to give the cycle the best chance possible. We did it all and then waited. A few days later I had felt horrible...I could hardly stand up. I drove myself to the clinic and could barely walk into the clinic....it was really bad. They did an ultrasound while I cried in pain....they found I had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome....a complication that is life threatening. They couldn't see where one ovary ended and the next began...they were huge, swollen with multiple orange size follicular cysts. I was put on bed rest. They thought I must be pregnant because this usually happens when conception has occurred. I liked what they said but I didn't trust it and I kept my eyes and trust on the Lord. I knew He knew the real answer. About a week or little more later I started my lovely period. I was very very sad....but not surprised...I think I honestly knew. Even after all of that yuck..I would have gone through treatment again asap if I had the money. I wasn't ready to accept the Lord's will completely at that point. Over many many months I gradually grew to fully understand the Lords plan regarding how my family would be built. I had to accept His will before I got all of the answers. I remember one day standing by my stove cooking and I was hurting inside because I couldn't have the whole pregnancy experience. The pain was deep... my thoughts turned to Birth Mothers. I knew they felt pain as they were making decisions and yet they submit to the Lord's will and move forward with His plan even though it hurts inside. I don't know how to explain it but I realized at that moment I had to finally submit completely. I was so close for so long but I hadn't completely handed my will over. That day I believe was the day I did. The decision to feel the pain and accept it and be okay with His plan has only brought me happiness. The pain isn't even a part of my life anymore. It took alot of working, counseling, pondering and praying but with the Lord's help I have been able to move beyond sadness, grief and loss and discover the wonderful gifts the Lord had been preparing for me. I don't understand all yet but I understand enough. I also realize there are many reasons why I needed to have these experiences before child #3. We would go through more than we ever have gone through to get to the Birth Mother the Lord was preparing for us.....we had to be prepared for her. Not only prepared for her to be in our life but to be prepared for how all of our adoptions would change because of our experiences with our 3rd adoption.
In December of 2005 we had been on parentprofiles.com for almost 3 months. We had only received weird contacts or fake contacts and even a really ugly scam....but then there was this one email. Her name was Samantha and she logged onto parentprofiles after having a fight with her boyfriend. Already working with LDSFS she was pretty much planning to parent but she had thoughts....she felt promptings.....she was lead to our online profile. Upon receiving her first email I felt an instant connection and emailed her back right away...only to get my email returned because of a bad address. Then I noticed she added her phone number...I took a deep breath and prayed asking Heavenly Father for the courage to call if this was right. The courage came instantly and I made the call. I spoke to a very nice girl who I had just woken up. I felt stupid but relieved I called her. I let her know that I had tried to email her but got it returned. She told me she would email me again. Nothing came...days later...nothing. A few weeks went by. I kept thinking about her and felt I should do something...so as a last ditch effort we sent her a text message and hoped and prayed we would hear back. Nothing for a long time....then out of the blue we heard from her. Sam emailed us and we emailed back and forth and started a friendship. We talked about names for the baby....she liked Camden for a boy. That was the name we had picked our for a boy if we ever were blessed with one. Samantha decided to parent....but I always felt she would reconsider. She did reconsider twice before her baby was born. The second time she came up to Salt Lake with her Mom. We met them at the agency and when we walked in they felt so familiar...I knew I had met them before somewhere. They followed us home where we had dinner and talked for a long time. It was wonderful to get to know them and we grew to love her even more....but we knew she would decide to parent. Days later she called and told us just that. We understood....we expected it and we supported her. WE still felt a huge connection to her and decided maybe we were brought together to be a support to her. So our friendship continued.
Back up a little bit in this story so I can add another item. A few days after that first email from Samantha we received another legitimate contact with parentprofiles. Her name was Tabitha (name changed)...she lived in Montana and she was barely pregnant...we are talking 5 weeks along. After talking with her for weeks she decided she wanted to place with us. (There is more to this part of the story I will share another time). So around 11 weeks (or maybe earlier I can't remember now) our file was put on firm hold. We were ok with it because we had been through a long firm hold with Haley's adoption and it paid off big time. We trusted that she was real..she went to LDSFS and received counseling and we felt she was serious. So we had this going on but still had hope that Sam would return our email/phone call. While we felt excited about Tabitha...we never did feel that connection like we did with Samatha but we didn't understand the meaning of that feeling at that time.
Ok so back to the Samantha story....our friendship continued and on April 17th 2006 I got another call from Sam. She had just given birth to her baby boy she named Camden. She delivered at home and still hadn't delivered her placenta. I found it interesting that she would call us after delivering....right after. That day I felt I knew something but I didn't let my mind dwell on it. I just focused on the fact that she was this baby's mother and she had made her decision. And I knew she was meant to be in my life no matter what. So we continued to support her emotionally....we enjoyed our friendship with her. Weeks later she sent up some pictures of Camden. Once again I had strong feelings and felt like I was looking at my baby...but he wasn't mine and I knew that so I closed the lid to the laptop and cried. I tried to just hold on to the knowledge that we had a baby girl coming to our home through Tabitha who was due in August. The summer came and we continued our lives and was excited about the baby girl that was to bless our home. We picked the name Elizabeth Anne. The closer we got to her due date the stranger things became with Tabitha (a big story for another day). In the end Tabitha decided to parent but didn't let us know until after we found out by looking at the hospital website (it was a prompting that lead us to look). We contacted her to ask what was going on. Then she finally told us. This was a hard blow. The next day we went to FSA National Conference Picnic and that weekend the conference. We had to present on scams. I was so grateful for conference and for the people at the conference that year....there was no place on earth that would have been better than with a whole bunch of people who totally understood the loss we felt.
Upon receiving word about our failed placement....Samatha was one of the first to call and say how sorry she was this happened. She was so sweet and I was so thankful for her!! Our friends hip continued and we talked on the phone off and on....then one day in December we got a call from Sam....but this call was different. She said many things and I wasn't sure what I was hearing at first but then she told me she felt her little boy was meant to be with us and that he deserved more than she could give him. Less than 1 week later Samantha placed Camden in our arms. It was December 17th 2006....his 8 month mark.....and 1 year and 2 days from Sam's very first email to us. We found out at placement that because of some legalities that applied to Samantha we would have had to have special approval for Camden's placement if she would have placed before day 240 after his birth. Sam's worker at LDS FS got approval from HQ on day 241 not knowing the 240 day rule. There was a reason Camden's Birth Mother decided to parent at first...but no one knew anything about that reason except the Lord. I KNEW in a different way that day that the Lord knows the end from the beginning. He was guiding things all along and those times when I felt like nothing was going on....He was working miracles. "I once was blind but now I see"! I see how he carried each of us through to placement day.
Why am I telling you this story? It has been on my mind this week. Today Camden turns 3. Today I celebrate my little boy who is active and busy and full of mischief. Today I see the live version of what I felt was around me when I was feeling that we were missing someone. He was that someone.
Today I also celebrate the courage of a girl named Samantha. How hard it is for anyone to place a baby for adoption....but think about parenting a baby for 8 months and then making the hard decision to place. I had to have the acceptance of my own grief and loss and come to accept the Lord's will for me before I could meet Samantha. I had to be in a good place so that I could have an open adoption with her...it was the only way she could do what she did for Camden. And because of our openness with Samantha we understood how much openness with Stacey and Sara would mean to our family. We have incredible Birth Mother's in our lives! We have incredible women who have done courageous things that we get to call special friends, extended family...our children's Birth Mothers and our life givers.
I have always found it interesting that all of our children's Birth Mother's names start with the letter "S". For me it is a tender mercy....it is like the Lord is telling me....
"Brenda you did it the right way....this was what I had planned for you all along".
Another tidbit that I have come to understand just the past few months....healing prepared us for Camden's adoption, openness with Samantha and then openness with all of our children's Birth Mothers....but then all of those things prepared us for Foster Care.
Isn't it wonderful that the Lord knows the end from the beginning!!!!
I hadn't come to the total conclusion that we were never going to get pregnant yet...even though I knew it ....I didn't feel like I knew it.
I know that is clear as mud isn't it!
So we saved money and turned to treatment. Another round of stupid yucky clomid mixed with metformin I ended up with a very large follicular cyst and went on the pill for the rest of the cycle to try to get it to go away. I ended up in the emergency room and later it ruptured. It was lots of fun. But the fun was only beginning. We then went to superovulation medications. I got to inject myself in my belly for endless amount of days with ultrasound after ultrasound showing no ripe follicles. Then finally on day 100 (well not really but it felt like that) I finally had a few ripe ones. So they taught Brad how to give me the trigger shot of HCG which was suppose to make me ovulate. He did it (and probably had way to much fun stabbing me with that long needle....ok maybe I am remembering it wrong. :) and we waiting for the right day when we had to go in and do artificial insemination just to give the cycle the best chance possible. We did it all and then waited. A few days later I had felt horrible...I could hardly stand up. I drove myself to the clinic and could barely walk into the clinic....it was really bad. They did an ultrasound while I cried in pain....they found I had ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome....a complication that is life threatening. They couldn't see where one ovary ended and the next began...they were huge, swollen with multiple orange size follicular cysts. I was put on bed rest. They thought I must be pregnant because this usually happens when conception has occurred. I liked what they said but I didn't trust it and I kept my eyes and trust on the Lord. I knew He knew the real answer. About a week or little more later I started my lovely period. I was very very sad....but not surprised...I think I honestly knew. Even after all of that yuck..I would have gone through treatment again asap if I had the money. I wasn't ready to accept the Lord's will completely at that point. Over many many months I gradually grew to fully understand the Lords plan regarding how my family would be built. I had to accept His will before I got all of the answers. I remember one day standing by my stove cooking and I was hurting inside because I couldn't have the whole pregnancy experience. The pain was deep... my thoughts turned to Birth Mothers. I knew they felt pain as they were making decisions and yet they submit to the Lord's will and move forward with His plan even though it hurts inside. I don't know how to explain it but I realized at that moment I had to finally submit completely. I was so close for so long but I hadn't completely handed my will over. That day I believe was the day I did. The decision to feel the pain and accept it and be okay with His plan has only brought me happiness. The pain isn't even a part of my life anymore. It took alot of working, counseling, pondering and praying but with the Lord's help I have been able to move beyond sadness, grief and loss and discover the wonderful gifts the Lord had been preparing for me. I don't understand all yet but I understand enough. I also realize there are many reasons why I needed to have these experiences before child #3. We would go through more than we ever have gone through to get to the Birth Mother the Lord was preparing for us.....we had to be prepared for her. Not only prepared for her to be in our life but to be prepared for how all of our adoptions would change because of our experiences with our 3rd adoption.
In December of 2005 we had been on parentprofiles.com for almost 3 months. We had only received weird contacts or fake contacts and even a really ugly scam....but then there was this one email. Her name was Samantha and she logged onto parentprofiles after having a fight with her boyfriend. Already working with LDSFS she was pretty much planning to parent but she had thoughts....she felt promptings.....she was lead to our online profile. Upon receiving her first email I felt an instant connection and emailed her back right away...only to get my email returned because of a bad address. Then I noticed she added her phone number...I took a deep breath and prayed asking Heavenly Father for the courage to call if this was right. The courage came instantly and I made the call. I spoke to a very nice girl who I had just woken up. I felt stupid but relieved I called her. I let her know that I had tried to email her but got it returned. She told me she would email me again. Nothing came...days later...nothing. A few weeks went by. I kept thinking about her and felt I should do something...so as a last ditch effort we sent her a text message and hoped and prayed we would hear back. Nothing for a long time....then out of the blue we heard from her. Sam emailed us and we emailed back and forth and started a friendship. We talked about names for the baby....she liked Camden for a boy. That was the name we had picked our for a boy if we ever were blessed with one. Samantha decided to parent....but I always felt she would reconsider. She did reconsider twice before her baby was born. The second time she came up to Salt Lake with her Mom. We met them at the agency and when we walked in they felt so familiar...I knew I had met them before somewhere. They followed us home where we had dinner and talked for a long time. It was wonderful to get to know them and we grew to love her even more....but we knew she would decide to parent. Days later she called and told us just that. We understood....we expected it and we supported her. WE still felt a huge connection to her and decided maybe we were brought together to be a support to her. So our friendship continued.
Back up a little bit in this story so I can add another item. A few days after that first email from Samantha we received another legitimate contact with parentprofiles. Her name was Tabitha (name changed)...she lived in Montana and she was barely pregnant...we are talking 5 weeks along. After talking with her for weeks she decided she wanted to place with us. (There is more to this part of the story I will share another time). So around 11 weeks (or maybe earlier I can't remember now) our file was put on firm hold. We were ok with it because we had been through a long firm hold with Haley's adoption and it paid off big time. We trusted that she was real..she went to LDSFS and received counseling and we felt she was serious. So we had this going on but still had hope that Sam would return our email/phone call. While we felt excited about Tabitha...we never did feel that connection like we did with Samatha but we didn't understand the meaning of that feeling at that time.
Ok so back to the Samantha story....our friendship continued and on April 17th 2006 I got another call from Sam. She had just given birth to her baby boy she named Camden. She delivered at home and still hadn't delivered her placenta. I found it interesting that she would call us after delivering....right after. That day I felt I knew something but I didn't let my mind dwell on it. I just focused on the fact that she was this baby's mother and she had made her decision. And I knew she was meant to be in my life no matter what. So we continued to support her emotionally....we enjoyed our friendship with her. Weeks later she sent up some pictures of Camden. Once again I had strong feelings and felt like I was looking at my baby...but he wasn't mine and I knew that so I closed the lid to the laptop and cried. I tried to just hold on to the knowledge that we had a baby girl coming to our home through Tabitha who was due in August. The summer came and we continued our lives and was excited about the baby girl that was to bless our home. We picked the name Elizabeth Anne. The closer we got to her due date the stranger things became with Tabitha (a big story for another day). In the end Tabitha decided to parent but didn't let us know until after we found out by looking at the hospital website (it was a prompting that lead us to look). We contacted her to ask what was going on. Then she finally told us. This was a hard blow. The next day we went to FSA National Conference Picnic and that weekend the conference. We had to present on scams. I was so grateful for conference and for the people at the conference that year....there was no place on earth that would have been better than with a whole bunch of people who totally understood the loss we felt.
Upon receiving word about our failed placement....Samatha was one of the first to call and say how sorry she was this happened. She was so sweet and I was so thankful for her!! Our friends hip continued and we talked on the phone off and on....then one day in December we got a call from Sam....but this call was different. She said many things and I wasn't sure what I was hearing at first but then she told me she felt her little boy was meant to be with us and that he deserved more than she could give him. Less than 1 week later Samantha placed Camden in our arms. It was December 17th 2006....his 8 month mark.....and 1 year and 2 days from Sam's very first email to us. We found out at placement that because of some legalities that applied to Samantha we would have had to have special approval for Camden's placement if she would have placed before day 240 after his birth. Sam's worker at LDS FS got approval from HQ on day 241 not knowing the 240 day rule. There was a reason Camden's Birth Mother decided to parent at first...but no one knew anything about that reason except the Lord. I KNEW in a different way that day that the Lord knows the end from the beginning. He was guiding things all along and those times when I felt like nothing was going on....He was working miracles. "I once was blind but now I see"! I see how he carried each of us through to placement day.
Why am I telling you this story? It has been on my mind this week. Today Camden turns 3. Today I celebrate my little boy who is active and busy and full of mischief. Today I see the live version of what I felt was around me when I was feeling that we were missing someone. He was that someone.
Today I also celebrate the courage of a girl named Samantha. How hard it is for anyone to place a baby for adoption....but think about parenting a baby for 8 months and then making the hard decision to place. I had to have the acceptance of my own grief and loss and come to accept the Lord's will for me before I could meet Samantha. I had to be in a good place so that I could have an open adoption with her...it was the only way she could do what she did for Camden. And because of our openness with Samantha we understood how much openness with Stacey and Sara would mean to our family. We have incredible Birth Mother's in our lives! We have incredible women who have done courageous things that we get to call special friends, extended family...our children's Birth Mothers and our life givers.
I have always found it interesting that all of our children's Birth Mother's names start with the letter "S". For me it is a tender mercy....it is like the Lord is telling me....
"Brenda you did it the right way....this was what I had planned for you all along".
Another tidbit that I have come to understand just the past few months....healing prepared us for Camden's adoption, openness with Samantha and then openness with all of our children's Birth Mothers....but then all of those things prepared us for Foster Care.
Isn't it wonderful that the Lord knows the end from the beginning!!!!
If you made it to the end of this story....Thank You.
~
1 comment:
After the trials, comes the blessings!
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