Roses my friends from ldsadoptiveparents yahoogroup sent me after our 2nd failed placement.
I have been stressing over the presentation Brad and I are giving at the FSA conference.
I wrote the outline months ago....so all I needed to do was get the power point slide ready and my own notes in line.
It has been on my mind everyday for a while. But I seem to find other things to busy myself with so I can keep putting it off. I have been trying to figure out why this year's presentation feels more stressful than the past 4 years. I thought maybe it was because it was a completely different topic.
That sounded good right?
I have been sitting here at my computer to finish it all up and make it look good (hopefully). Then understanding came upon me.
I have been avoiding this presentation because it hurts!
This is the first time we will ever talk about our adoption losses publicly and in person.
As I have been thinking about our own experiences I remembered the 2nd failed placement when my girls were just as excited as we were about a new baby sister we were going to name Elizabeth. They didn't understand why this baby didn't come and they felt angry. Everyone was affected.
As I have gone through the memory files in my mind I remember how much these experiences hurt.
It is no wonder that I was avoiding this process.
I finally get it.
I didn't realize these memories would affect me this way even now.
Maybe it is a good thing to talk about them.
I hope this 'sharing' helps others...and maybe it will be helping me too.
I wrote the outline months ago....so all I needed to do was get the power point slide ready and my own notes in line.
It has been on my mind everyday for a while. But I seem to find other things to busy myself with so I can keep putting it off. I have been trying to figure out why this year's presentation feels more stressful than the past 4 years. I thought maybe it was because it was a completely different topic.
That sounded good right?
I have been sitting here at my computer to finish it all up and make it look good (hopefully). Then understanding came upon me.
I have been avoiding this presentation because it hurts!
This is the first time we will ever talk about our adoption losses publicly and in person.
As I have been thinking about our own experiences I remembered the 2nd failed placement when my girls were just as excited as we were about a new baby sister we were going to name Elizabeth. They didn't understand why this baby didn't come and they felt angry. Everyone was affected.
As I have gone through the memory files in my mind I remember how much these experiences hurt.
It is no wonder that I was avoiding this process.
I finally get it.
I didn't realize these memories would affect me this way even now.
Maybe it is a good thing to talk about them.
I hope this 'sharing' helps others...and maybe it will be helping me too.
3 comments:
Hmm avoiding pain. That sounds pretty normal, or at least something I try to practice daily (hence a gym membership but zero attendance). But I'm sure you'll do a great job and will be of help to those listening. You've experienced a lot of loss in building your family. when others say things like they wouldn't or couldn't do these things you can kick them from me :)
good luck with everything! Sounds like such a hard topic to talk about!
I'd love if you posted what you write. I've been there too, if you need any help writing it. Here's one experience that taught me a lot about our "lost" child:
http://feathersky.wordpress.com/2009/01/04/the-parable-of-the-lost-wallet/
(we lost Sariah on Dec 23, then packed up and drove for 26 straight hours to UT Dec 24-25 to be with family. That story is from the drive there)
Another one might be my personal farewell to Sariah:
http://feathersky.wordpress.com/2009/06/11/farewells/
(password: jedi)
Its a hard road to have failed placements. Its a club I wish I didn't belong to. Its the fear that every adoptive parent has. Its a painful topic, but it has to be talked about. I think you're so strong to be tackling this hard topic!
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