Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Avoiding the Hard Places....

Roses my friends from ldsadoptiveparents yahoogroup sent me after our 2nd failed placement.

I have been stressing over the presentation Brad and I are giving at the FSA conference.
I wrote the outline months all I needed to do was get the power point slide ready and my own notes in line.
It has been on my mind everyday for a while. But I seem to find other things to busy myself with so I can keep putting it off. I have been trying to figure out why this year's presentation feels more stressful than the past 4 years. I thought maybe it was because it was a completely different topic.
That sounded good right?

I have been sitting here at my computer to finish it all up and make it look good (hopefully). Then understanding came upon me.
I have been avoiding this presentation because it hurts!
This is the first time we will ever talk about our adoption losses publicly and in person.
As I have been thinking about our own experiences I remembered the 2nd failed placement when my girls were just as excited as we were about a new baby sister we were going to name Elizabeth. They didn't understand why this baby didn't come and they felt angry. Everyone was affected.
As I have gone through the memory files in my mind I remember how much these experiences hurt.
It is no wonder that I was avoiding this process.
I finally get it.
I didn't realize these memories would affect me this way even now.
Maybe it is a good thing to talk about them.
I hope this 'sharing' helps others...and maybe it will be helping me too.


evil social worker said...

Hmm avoiding pain. That sounds pretty normal, or at least something I try to practice daily (hence a gym membership but zero attendance). But I'm sure you'll do a great job and will be of help to those listening. You've experienced a lot of loss in building your family. when others say things like they wouldn't or couldn't do these things you can kick them from me :)

Kirsten said...

good luck with everything! Sounds like such a hard topic to talk about!

Anonymous said...

I'd love if you posted what you write. I've been there too, if you need any help writing it. Here's one experience that taught me a lot about our "lost" child:

(we lost Sariah on Dec 23, then packed up and drove for 26 straight hours to UT Dec 24-25 to be with family. That story is from the drive there)

Another one might be my personal farewell to Sariah:
(password: jedi)

Its a hard road to have failed placements. Its a club I wish I didn't belong to. Its the fear that every adoptive parent has. Its a painful topic, but it has to be talked about. I think you're so strong to be tackling this hard topic!