Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I have decided today as I pondered on some things that have been bothering me
(this seems to be the norm while I do laundry or clean house)
that I have many battles I fight in my life.
I am sure we all do.

Right now I am battling my is a never ending battle it seems.
I have been up and down my entire life.
I do have something to blame other than my lack of will is called PCOS.
PCOS keeps weight on and ovulation at bay.
But I can't blame it all on that.
I haven't been taking care of myself and it suddenly dawn on me that this last 20ish pounds has come on me since Ashanti left.
Apparently I have been trying to eat my grief away. I also have torn cartilage in my knee so it has been hard to get on my treadmill like I use to.
I am fighting this battle with prayer, weight watchers and any exercise my knee will allow.
So far I have winning days and losing days.
(or maybe the winning days are the losing days)
I feel like I am at war with it all!

Then there is the battle with grief.
Just when I think I am doing alot better I have a really hard day and realize I am not dealing with the grief completely.
Saturday I decided it was time to tackle the large overflowing box of Ashanti's old clothes that I had stuffed in a closet until I was strong enough to deal with it.
I did get them taken care of but I bawled the whole time. At first I was looking at each piece and remembering but it became too much so I started to just stuff the two boxes so I could close them quickly.
Very un-Brenda like.
But it hurt so much to know she wouldn't be back to wear them. I sent as many as I could to her but there were still many left.
I miss her more than I can express and I wonder if my heart will always have this hole left in it or if time heals that wound? I know my Savior can heal it but I don't think I have dealt with it in the way I need to be ready for that healing.
And I think I still have things to learn.

Next I battle with family building.
Contrary to popular belief adopting IS NOT the easy way to build a family.
I don't think anything that is of worth comes very easy.
I have been doubting the feelings I have had that tell me there is another child meant for our family. I feel like I keep trying but the outcome I am hoping will come, doesn't. I guess that is why faith is so important.
This battle is worth all the effort but sometimes I am tired.

And Lastly I battle fear.
I know it sounds silly...but I fear for my family, my community, my country.
I don't like what I see happening in Washington...some days it truly does scare me.
Things seem so unsure.
I decided I would start letting my voice be heard by contacting my Senator and Congress Rep.
I think doing something will help me feel a little better.
I am grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge I have regarding these days we live.
But I do worry at times. And today was one of those times.

So those are the battles in my head today.
Writing is very therapeutic for me so it helps to get them out.

I DO plan to win my battles....just watch me!


Amanda said...

You WILL win your battles, you are a VERY strong woman. I know you dont' see yourself as others see you so Brenda YOU ARE AMAZING, you bring so much strength to so many. Our Father in Heaven will help you with what you stand in need of.

Sheri said...

I love how you share your thoughts and feelings Brenda. They are heartfelt thoughts. You are an incredible and amazing women and I admire you so much. I know how you feel about Ashanti. It was so hard for me to let little Christian go too, especially after 15 months. It really broke my heart, but I had to be strong for my family. We haven't seen foster children in our home since September and it breaks my heart every day. They contacted us a couple weeks ago and said they are looking for the right placement for us. I just have to continue to have faith that Heavenly Father knows what we need. With only one 4 year old son, we also want to grow our family, but it is hard at times. It breaks my heart when my little boy keeps asking where his little brother Christian went or his other brothers and sisters. It just about kills me, but I continue to pray and hope for the best. It seems like January is that time of year when everyone feels in a slump. We are all looking for spring to come. I'm trying to learn to not wish my time away, but enjoy each and every moment.

Tanya Hermansen said...

From following your blog I have NO doubt that you will WIN your BATTLES. You are a very strong and faithful women. YOU WILL DO IT!

This isn't doctrine of any sort, however I have always told myself that you have to have those hard, crummy days so that you will LOVE and APPRECIATE the really good ones when they come. Just a thought. Hang in there, I know you can do it.