Monday, October 13, 2008

Struggling

I feel like there is this timer ticking my time with Baby A. away. I look at her for longer periods of time, I hold her more, I just want to be with her and watch her play, sleep and eat. I don't know how much longer I can take the wondering....I feel like I am waiting for an appointment to have my heart ripped out. I am feeling it alot tonight....the anxiety!! I want A. to be my baby forever and I dream of being able to say she is "mine". And then I think of her bio family who also want her and I feel guilty. I am sure this isn't easy for them either.

I also feel stressed when I miss the bio families calls....I feel bad that I missed 2 calls today. I didn't hear my cell phone ring. So now I will worry about those missed calls until I can call back tomorrow....just part of my "worry" mode I am in right now. When I return the calls I am always a little nervous....I want the conversation to well. I want them to like us. More stress....more pressure I put on myself and yet I don't know how not to do it.

I knew this was going to be hard but I really didn't understand how much I would love this little person!!

I don't want to say goodbye!!!!

I know this is a strange post....but I just need to get these thoughts out somehow.
I try to be strong but tonight it is hard.....forgive my ramblings.

6 comments:

Mandee Lue said...

No need for forgiveness, only understanding. Not many people understand that very deep side of heartache like you do. You are SO very loved. Thanks for your strength, and for sharing it with all of us.

Amanda said...

There is nothing to be forgiven of. We all need a place to releive our stress and worries. Continued prayers on your behalf!

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know i am in the same place you are in I have a beautiful 7 month old baby boy that I do not want to say good bye to either and I to feel guilty when I know his Mom wants him back just as badly.

It's ME! -- Christie -- said...

renda, I am so sorry you are going throgh this...sigh, how hard! That is one reason why Justin and I never did foster care, I for one, could not handle it!! I could not ever take loving this baby that I cared for and fell in love with and then to think of the possiblility of losing them at some point...ugh, I just think highly of you guys for taking on this situation. It is in my prayers that you will be able to adopt baby A and I for one am looking forward to seeing photos of this little girl!! That is driving me nutty! ;0) You are in my thoughts and soon, hopefully, soon, you will have her forever adn always.

Debbie said...

Hey there!
So you guys may be getting baby #4?
Your kids are so darling! Fill me in!
Debbie
From the adoption group! Aleck and Kennedy's mom!
ddrettew@aol.com

Jessica said...

Brenda you are SO STRONG! I wish I could be of more help. I will keep you and your sweet family in our prayers! We miss you guys!