Monday, January 12, 2009

Another Rollercoaster

I expected it this time...so I was foolish enough to think it would make it alot easier.
WRONG!
"Little Edward" has been with us for almost 2 months and we all love him.
We would love it if he stayed with us
BUT
after what I heard today I don't think he will be.
And yet I have been down this road before.
This case has been so up and down from day one.
I guess that is kind of good in some ways...I can count on not getting the "final" answer until the Judge gives the word.
But the ups and downs are hard on my heart.
I think I am getting better at it but I am noticing that almost every time I take him for a visit I get these "stings" in my heart when I learn something new. And then other days I learn other things and it brings a tiny bit of hope and then I daydream about "what if this one stays".
One thing that IS good about all of this...I DO get to see him with his parents and that is a good thing if he is going back with them because it reminds me that he isn't MINE.
I can see how these moments of pain are probably a good thing but it is hard at times.
Regardless....
In the end the conclusion is always the same....I am glad I am doing what I am doing.
He is too sweet to miss out on!

Tomorrow morning Brad and I are heading to court for what might be the final court in Ashanti's case.....I don't really know.
What I do know is that I cannot miss it. Brad took the day off so he could go too.
Even though she is not with us our hearts are still with her and we want to see it all to the very end.
We owe her that much.
Her birthday is coming up in March and I am going to send some keepsakes.
It will be hard to part with them but she deserves to have those pieces of her own personal history.
I have also put a few things away for myself....a few things that let me reminisce about my favorite baby.
One thing that has been harder than I ever thought was trying to help my children deal with the loss. Brenley understands most of it so she has done rather well. She has moments of sadness but she enjoys thinking about the fun times. Camden keeps thinking Ashanti is somewhere in the house and he talks about her but doesn't show sadness. I do think he misses her though. Haley is struggling. Haley reminds me so much of myself and of her sweet Birth mother Sara...she loves easily and deeply and wears her heart on her sleeve. Haley still has long crying spells about Ashanti. They are getting fewer and father between but they still happen. For Christmas "Santa" brought the girls each a baby doll that is African American with a note saying how happy he was with the care and love they gave Ashanti and that he wanted them to have the dolls to hold and love when they are sad. Brenley named her doll Amber which was part of Ashanti's middle name (LeeAmber). Haley named her doll, Ashanti. Tonight Haley asked for her Ashanti doll to sleep in bed with her because she was missing Ashanti. So I tucked her baby in bed with her. I gave her loves and kissed her goodnight. As I was getting ready to head back downstairs I could hear crying so I went into her room to investigate and there was Haley in her bed with huge tears and crying hard. She said to me: "I want the real Ashanti". So we had a talk about how Ashanti is doing and how Ashanti wouldn't want her to be sad. We talked about the good times and then she held her Baboo and with her Ashanti doll tucked in bed next to her she fell asleep. Haley spent so much time with Ashanti....I am so sad for my little girl. And I am also grateful to be Haley's mom...she is such a tender heart....she will be a great mother someday!

So after all of this ...the happy and the sad.... I am hoping maybe.....
the 3rd time will be the charm.
I guess we will see.

4 comments:

Sheri said...

I also hope the 3rd time is a charm. The rollercoasters of life are so challening, you are really hanging in there and making the best of your situation. I hope you get to keep your little Edward, but it sounds like you will be okay with it either way. That is amazing that Santa gave your girls little Ashanti dolls, that was a great gift.

Jessica said...

You are one strong woman! My heart goes out to you and your sweet family. I believe that your kids will be stronger through living with these choice children that have been placed in your home through foster care. I am sorry to hear the heartache they have gone through because of it as well. You are a wonderful mother and each child who is in your home has been touched by your sweet spirit, what a blessing!!! I hope three times is a charm too.

Kelly said...

Bless her sweet heart and yours too. That Santa...he had a great idea. Peace to you.

SocialWkr24/7 said...

Hello! I just found your blog today and got sucked into reading your posts about Ashanti. What a wonderful story - despite a bittersweet ending. I worked in foster care as a caseworker for 4 years - I respect your ability to put Ashanti's needs ahead of your own! And, I am awed and grateful that there are people who would rather love for a short time than to never love these children at all. Thank you for all you do! Your family is beautiful.