Thursday, February 26, 2009

Waking Up!

Today I was thinking about my favorite baby.
(If you are new to my blog click on the label Baby A to learn who I am talking about)
I think about her everyday but today I was thinking about how much I love her brown skin and curly hair.
I was thinking about how I would love to have another child coming into my life with brown skin and curly locks.
I felt like calling up my RFC and asking if they have a baby that fits this discription that needs a family.
I didn't...but I wanted to.

Like everyday I miss Ashanti today but I actually didn't cry this time.
I guess that is a good sign.
I was able to think about her and smile and feel good inside rather than sad.

The past week I have felt a change in me.
The only way I can explain it is to say I feel like I have "woken up".
I have more energy, I laugh more and feel more like myself.
I have realized I was grieving more that I allowed myself to admit.
I prayed recently asking Heavenly Father to help me and I believe He is answering my prayer.
I am feeling healing come into my heart.

Today I have wondered what the future holds for us as a family.
Will there be a 4th child?
Or are we a family of 3 with a 4th one coming in and out of our home as different children need a safe place for a while?
I don't have the answer to that.
Wish I did.
All I know is that today I really wanted a phone call about a baby who will stay...and I have to admit I was hoping it was a girl with beautiful brown skin and curly hair.
Even as I say that though...I know I would be excited about any race, any gender...anytime.

It is interesting...this being awake feeling.
It is nice to think about things...hope for things and yet be ok with life today.
So glad to be awake!

1 comment:

Dawne said...

I am so sorry for the grief you've felt and I am glad you are beginning to feel a little peace with it. I could never truly understand because I haven't been through your exact experience, but I think your candor and honesty on your blog must truly help so many people! You have a very, very lovely family and you've all been so blessed to have found each other. I wish you much, much happiness!