This morning I was reading therhouse blog. I read this post. It made me sad...it also brought back memories of the pain I felt caused by others. Sadly most of the words that made my heart ache came out of the mouth of family. Sometimes unknowingly...other times the words were meant to hurt. Each word went into my heart like a sword. I didn't have the ability to block them or let them roll off of me. I had been in a battle for children for so long that I was weak and already hurting. These words just added salt to an already gaping wound. Overtime the wound became so large that it consumed me...the words would play through my mind like a broken record. At that point everything hurt me...even the smallest of words....the wrong look...EVERYTHING! At this point we had been blessed with two beautiful girls and in that way my life was bliss. The pain was still present...a huge presence within me. While it didn't effect my feelings towards my daughters or spouse it effected everything else....especially my relationship with family and friends. I was quick to be angry or sad. I dropped all of my "fertile" friends...I just couldn't handle being around them. The gaping wound didn't effect my love and appreciation for our Birth Families.....it did create a feeling of fear toward them....fear that stopped us from opening up more. I see this part now but didn't realize it then.
One day my life completely changed. I remember like it was yesterday...I was busy in my bedroom doing chores and I had the tv on. I was listening to an conference talk trying to lift me up. I then had a clear thought enter my mind....it was a clear as if it were spoken out loud. The thought said "Your pain is stopping you progression" and then I felt directed to get help. I picked up the phone and called Brad and asked if he would be supportive if I went to LDS Family Services for counseling. He of course said yes. I then asked my parents if they would help pay if our insurance didn't cover.....they said yes. (money was pretty darn tight back then) Then I picked up the phone and called LDS Family Services to get the ball rolling. I specifically asked for a woman worker who was NOT involved in adoption at the agency. I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to bless me with the worker he had in mind for me. A few days later I sat in a little office and met my counselor.....her name was Lani Taholo and I know she was the worker the Lord prepared for me!! I went to 12 sessions with her and my life has NEVER been the same!
The first session was a bawl fest for me....I opened my heart and let out all of the pain. I have never experienced a release quite like that one. And then after I put it all out there....she did something that brought immense comfort....she validated all of my feelings! Validation is a very powerful gift and one that I don't think we all give enough.
Over the 12 sessions Lani gave me homework to do...most of it came from the scriptures because that was where most of my questions were...."What does the Lord think about me as an infertile woman? What does He think about adoption? ", "Does He love me as much as a fertile woman?" etc. As I did my homework and studied the scriptures and as I worked on the things I needed to to help me open up to others I came to understand what the Lord thought of me. I came to understand how the Lord speaks to me... and I came to know how precious adoption is in the Lords plan. I also learned that writing my experiences and feelings help me. Writing things like "A Letter to Fertile Women" helped me open up without the fear of being judged because I kept it private. As I healed I was able to share my writings with others...it took a while for me to make that step. When I did do it it felt like I was being freed from a prison. The experience was liberating!
Because I followed that prompting to get help.....my knowledge changed, my heart began to heal and the Brenda that was buried long ago emerged and I felt peace!
It took longer than the 12 sessions to have healing....that was only the beginning. Over the next 2 years after this experience I continued to heal....and then one day the answers to questions that still lingered were given as I was sitting at a lunch meeting for FSA. I learned through the Spirit that I was always meant to be infertile.....it was the plan for me. The Lord had a work for me and for Brad to do. I could see right then how the Lord had been preparing me long before I even knew Brad. Callings I had served in years before were coming into to play to help create some needed information for fsa couples. I witnessed that I was a tool in the Lord's hand.
It didn't end there....I continually receive confirmation of those answers and have now for 5 years. I have thought back on this journey and see how listening to the Spirit changed my whole world. I am not the person I once was.....I am a stronger version of me....a healthier version of me and I have been blessed with new talents I never dreamed I would posses. I cannot share in words the gratitude I feel for this change of heart and for the healing. I have witnessed for myself how our Savior heals....I have felt it for myself! It didn't come in one day.....it was a gradual healing that allowed me to learn about myself and about my Savior in a way nothing else could.
I love my Savior!!!
Three years ago we opened our daughters adoptions completely. It was joyful occasion!! Because of my journey to healing I no longer had fear....I learned for myself that fear and love cannot co-exist. My Savior took the fear and blessed me with complete love. We love having the openness with our Birth Parents!!!! They are so special to us...always have been but these days it is complete joy!
I know I have shared alot here....but it came to my mind and I felt I should write it!
Now that I have had a good happy cry I am off to get ready to face crowds at the store! :)
I love holiday shopping...it makes me happy and nuts all at the same time!
One day my life completely changed. I remember like it was yesterday...I was busy in my bedroom doing chores and I had the tv on. I was listening to an conference talk trying to lift me up. I then had a clear thought enter my mind....it was a clear as if it were spoken out loud. The thought said "Your pain is stopping you progression" and then I felt directed to get help. I picked up the phone and called Brad and asked if he would be supportive if I went to LDS Family Services for counseling. He of course said yes. I then asked my parents if they would help pay if our insurance didn't cover.....they said yes. (money was pretty darn tight back then) Then I picked up the phone and called LDS Family Services to get the ball rolling. I specifically asked for a woman worker who was NOT involved in adoption at the agency. I said a prayer and asked Heavenly Father to bless me with the worker he had in mind for me. A few days later I sat in a little office and met my counselor.....her name was Lani Taholo and I know she was the worker the Lord prepared for me!! I went to 12 sessions with her and my life has NEVER been the same!
The first session was a bawl fest for me....I opened my heart and let out all of the pain. I have never experienced a release quite like that one. And then after I put it all out there....she did something that brought immense comfort....she validated all of my feelings! Validation is a very powerful gift and one that I don't think we all give enough.
Over the 12 sessions Lani gave me homework to do...most of it came from the scriptures because that was where most of my questions were...."What does the Lord think about me as an infertile woman? What does He think about adoption? ", "Does He love me as much as a fertile woman?" etc. As I did my homework and studied the scriptures and as I worked on the things I needed to to help me open up to others I came to understand what the Lord thought of me. I came to understand how the Lord speaks to me... and I came to know how precious adoption is in the Lords plan. I also learned that writing my experiences and feelings help me. Writing things like "A Letter to Fertile Women" helped me open up without the fear of being judged because I kept it private. As I healed I was able to share my writings with others...it took a while for me to make that step. When I did do it it felt like I was being freed from a prison. The experience was liberating!
Because I followed that prompting to get help.....my knowledge changed, my heart began to heal and the Brenda that was buried long ago emerged and I felt peace!
It took longer than the 12 sessions to have healing....that was only the beginning. Over the next 2 years after this experience I continued to heal....and then one day the answers to questions that still lingered were given as I was sitting at a lunch meeting for FSA. I learned through the Spirit that I was always meant to be infertile.....it was the plan for me. The Lord had a work for me and for Brad to do. I could see right then how the Lord had been preparing me long before I even knew Brad. Callings I had served in years before were coming into to play to help create some needed information for fsa couples. I witnessed that I was a tool in the Lord's hand.
It didn't end there....I continually receive confirmation of those answers and have now for 5 years. I have thought back on this journey and see how listening to the Spirit changed my whole world. I am not the person I once was.....I am a stronger version of me....a healthier version of me and I have been blessed with new talents I never dreamed I would posses. I cannot share in words the gratitude I feel for this change of heart and for the healing. I have witnessed for myself how our Savior heals....I have felt it for myself! It didn't come in one day.....it was a gradual healing that allowed me to learn about myself and about my Savior in a way nothing else could.
I love my Savior!!!
Three years ago we opened our daughters adoptions completely. It was joyful occasion!! Because of my journey to healing I no longer had fear....I learned for myself that fear and love cannot co-exist. My Savior took the fear and blessed me with complete love. We love having the openness with our Birth Parents!!!! They are so special to us...always have been but these days it is complete joy!
I know I have shared alot here....but it came to my mind and I felt I should write it!
Now that I have had a good happy cry I am off to get ready to face crowds at the store! :)
I love holiday shopping...it makes me happy and nuts all at the same time!
1 comment:
I NEEDED to read this post today. Saturday was Kylie's 4th birthday and they are ALWAYS hard on me. It is a painful reminder that I didn't give birth to my children. I will never have the experience or relationship with them. I have struggled with my infertility lately. It's funny how it comes and goes (well for me anyways). I have been feeling like I need some extra help with that and a couple of other things but I've been afraid to ask or to let myself ask. After reading this post I think I can take the first step. Thank you for being so honest in your writings. I have LOVED reading your blog more than other adoption blogs. :) love you and thank you!
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