Thursday, February 3, 2011

Honest Feelings

I don't know that I will publish this post...I just need a place to say what my heart feels today.   My heart hurts....I feel lonely and less than.   Once again those feelings that I just can't measure up has crept into my mind.  I feel as though I will never reach the "me" that is in my mind....in my dreams.   I am always lacking.  Today I was reminded again how I can't seem to reach that "blogger me" that I want to be.  I can't reach the "crafting me".   I feel like a loser or a "wanna-be".  Sometime I wonder why I should try.   Maybe I should just settle on being less than.   ugh!  It makes me so frustrated!!!!

So...to try to get out of this funk..I think I will go hold my baby who unfortunately is sick once again.  Have I mentioned how much I dislike winter?  I am so tired of viruses, runny noses, fevers and I think Spencer is pretty tired of them as well.   I am going to put my energy in him today and remind myself that I am good at holding my babies!
Maybe I will publish this...maybe someone else feels like I do.

12 comments:

The Buckner Family said...

I feel like you do. A Jill of all trades...a master of absolutely NOTHING. I almost hate it that I have so many interests...but I'm doomed to be pathetic at all of them. I wish I could find my "thing" but it seems all I do is keep trying out different things...and none of them are MY thing. But! Hey! At least our kiddos love us...and they don't care that our best "thing" is just being their Mommy. ;)

By the way-my blog moved to a new address: http://swingingonsmallhinges.blogspot.com

I am having a "grand opening/house warming" giveaway! Hop you can stop by and check it out.

Christine said...

I feel like you this week, too. The winter blues... just trying to focus on the mommy-me and not worry about the rest! Hang in there. :)

Amanda said...

I think it is totally this winter funk...I have athe same feelings...I wonder where the "old" me went and I get down on myself for not being Me I once was.

Cindy said...

I feel a lot of the same feelings you do. I have especially been feeling this way the last couple weeks. I really think it is the cold weather and the dreariness that just puts me in a bit of a depression.

I think the problem for me is that my "dream" of what kind of mom and wife I want to be really is unattainable. I put the bar so high for myself, and that when I don't reach it I end up feeling like a failure. Lately I have been focusing on a few things I want to do better at and those things are going great, but some other things are getting forgotten. I just feel like I can't ever get it all together like I want. I think the important thing is that we don't give up and we keep on trying. I know I need to try harder to not compare myself to others and just do the best that I can, and if it's not perfect (it won't be) that's OK. Hang in there and try not to be too hard on yourself. You are an amazing person!

The Loves said...

Oh, Brenda... my heart broke when I read your blog and I wept. I wish I could be there with you to hold you, stroke your hair and tell you how awesome you are! You are a beautiful women inside and out. When I have read your blog and the entries on the other blog, I have felt an enormous strength and power from you. I've often wondered if I measure up to someone like you because - Wow! You are just about everything I want to be. You are someone I have looked up to (from afar) for a very long time. Please don't listen to that horrible, low-life Satan (that has not or never will accomplish anything, ever) and especially don't believe anything he whispers to you. Satan's bugging you because you ARE doing a fantastic job - you're a threat to him! Way to Go Brenda! Smile - you're loved and rest kindly on many hearts!

Katrina said...

So sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate. I have been trying to figure out how to do more with a charity I love and in the process have been doing less. It seems like the more I read the more overwhelmed I become and I just want to go and sleep instead.

I think it is wonderful that you do the Matching Mondays. I am going to be posting them on my blog with a link to yours from now on if that is okay.

I am also going to be doing a Finding Forever Families with Faith Fridays for the charity that has stolen my heart lately.

When I look back over my life I sometimes think I haven't done enough and then I remember that I have done at least something and have tried to make a difference. In the end I think Heavenly Father knows where our hearts are and is happy with the service we provide.

Satan on the other hand wants us to feel like we can never do enough so why even bother to do anything.

You have done a lot to help people see the need in foster care. You love your family and you serve in your calling.

So you do count and you do make the world a better place to live :)

Julie said...

We all have those days. You just have to remember that you are of such worth to your Father in Heaven and He loves you, shortcomings and all. I agree that this time of year can be a downer, especially with sick kids and freezing weather. Know that you are loved and that your best is good enough.

Mamarazzi said...

Hi...i am a blog stalker. i know i need to comment more, because i love your blog and i have been following faithfully for a long time.

i know the feelings you are feeling. i have so been there. it happens every winter. last winter my dr suggested upping my vitamin D. it REALLY helped.

i appreciate your honesty. i think we all try to put our "bloggy selves" out there, not wanting to get anyone down, hoping instead to be a source of joy for others, but there are those days that happen and feeling bad and generally yucky is OK.

i am giving you permission, as one of your faithful readers, to not put on a happy face for my sake...feel the yuck wallow in it a little so you can get through it and get on with your life.

also you might find comfort in this little reminder. YOU are where i want to be...you have your forever family while i am still praying for mine. count your blessings...it will make you feel better, after all what you pay attention to grows.

i will say a prayer for you.

Shian said...

I had that kind of day earlier this week. It will go away :) Heavenly Father loves you. I imagine you're doing a much better job than you feel like you are.

Brenda said...

You are all so sweet! Thank you so much for your comments! You made me cry in a good way. :)

I think winter is playing part of it and so is hormones...yeah it is that kind of week. I am heading to the temple this weekend so I know that will help.

I really truly appreciate what you have shared with me today...I really needed it! Tomorrow is friday...I love love love fridays so that is something to look forward to. :) Thanks for coming and reading my endless ramblings. I wish I could just hug you all. :)

Mary said...

Brenda, I think you are wonderful and inspirational. And most importantly, your priorities (focusing on your children and home)are exactly where they should be. Hope you get out of the funk soon.

Heather said...

Oh my goodness you are so amazing!!! I don't even really know you, but your blog is amazing and inspiring to ME!!! I do have those days though also, life is just hard. I think if you are always striving to be a better you, than you are PERFECT!!! Also most important, striving to be christ like, kind, brighten others days!!!