This post is taken from my I AM blog. Click on image above to visit.
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This picture was taken for our 1st anniversary. For a long time it was a painful picture to look at because I could see the hope I had ...hope of creating a family together. Coming to terms with the true meaning of "infertility" was difficult. |
I had this idea in my head that once our family was complete the battle with my ovaries would be over....meaning I wouldn't have problems with pain, cysts, periods etc. At the same time I also knew that my ovaries would never function correctly and pregnancy would never occur.
This seems like an oxymoron.
I think I am just now realizing that. :)
This past week I have been dealing with yet ANOTHER cyst on my only ovary. At first the pain wasn't so bad so I decided to just start my meds that start my period in hopes the period would help resolve the cyst. By Thursday night I was in incredible pain and drove myself (in the wee hours of the morning) into the ER. (By the way....Kudos to the Bluffdale Police Officer who pulled me over for going way over the speed limit and having the heart not to give me a ticket. You ROCK Officer!!!) The ER doc is the one who had to do the ultrasound since they didn't have a sonographer in that night. He had a little trouble finding this ovary (it is my hide and seek ovary...it is in a weird place and difficult). We finally got a glimpse but couldn't see a cyst. However I believe by the way I feel there is still one there. They believed the pain I was feeling was due to a rupture. I agree with this idea since it feels not as full in the area. They helped me with pain, let me sleep and then a few hours later I was able to come home. I have to take it easy and watch for signs of torsion.
I feel optimistic and have faith that it will heal and be ok. But I have realized in a deeper way that "dealing with" infertility is more than just struggling to get pregnant. And "living with" being infertile is more than just not being able to bear children. It is a disease and while everyone who is infertile has a different story, women like me who suffer with PCOS have to live with the disease and all of it's complications.
I have thought that I don't want to lose my ovary because I hold on to this tiny itty bitty crumb of hope that maybe someday out of the blue pregnancy will occur. I have friends who feel that this "hope" is what sets infertility apart from sterility. But what I am learning at least in my own case is that this crumb of hope is a misguided hope... not true hope. This misguided hope puts me in harms way in many ways. I may have eggs but I don't have the right amount of hormones to allow the egg to ripen and release. When I used fertility meds to help with this I end up in the ER and the last time I ended up with a life threatening condition. Here I am 7 years after our last go with fertility meds/treatment and I am still struggling with my ovaries. With one removed and the other trying to heal from surgery not even 6 months ago I am still ending up in the ER and my children have to deal with Mommy being in bed. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to Brad and it's no longer going to be part of my story if I can help it at all.
I am infertile...I don't ovulate...I don't get pregnant....I will die having never left any piece of my genetic self here to live on and remain. Because of my physical disability my sweet husband goes through the same thing. I love him so much for loving me beyond the earthly experience. He was meant for me and I know he is a special gift from my Heavenly Father! I cherish him more than I could ever express.
These thoughts have been swirling in my mind the past couple of days. I couldn't sleep tonight because of them. I don't know if I needed to write them down for me or if it is for someone else but here they are.
One thing that being infertile has taught me is compassion. I feel for other couples who go through all of this yuck. But I feel for those who suffer with any pain or heart ache. I feel for my friend who struggles with wrongs done to her, for another friend who has lost multiple babies. I feel for my friend who's hubby has been out of work all year and how it has affected their life and children. I feel sadness for my friend who just suffered a failed placement and for my sister who lost her only daughter at birth. I feel for my cute fertile friends who are so uncomfortable carrying their babies. While there were times it was hard to hear pregnant women complain I realize it was more because I was hurting inside not so much their complaints. I feel for my Mom who has pain everyday of her life...just getting out of bed is painful for her due to arthritis. The list could go on forever....my whole points is that I believe my infertility to be one of the greatest tools the Lord has used to teach me. The truth is we all go through pains, hurts, losses...trials. Each of us hurt as we struggle through. NO one is immune.
I feel optimistic and have faith that it will heal and be ok. But I have realized in a deeper way that "dealing with" infertility is more than just struggling to get pregnant. And "living with" being infertile is more than just not being able to bear children. It is a disease and while everyone who is infertile has a different story, women like me who suffer with PCOS have to live with the disease and all of it's complications.
I have thought that I don't want to lose my ovary because I hold on to this tiny itty bitty crumb of hope that maybe someday out of the blue pregnancy will occur. I have friends who feel that this "hope" is what sets infertility apart from sterility. But what I am learning at least in my own case is that this crumb of hope is a misguided hope... not true hope. This misguided hope puts me in harms way in many ways. I may have eggs but I don't have the right amount of hormones to allow the egg to ripen and release. When I used fertility meds to help with this I end up in the ER and the last time I ended up with a life threatening condition. Here I am 7 years after our last go with fertility meds/treatment and I am still struggling with my ovaries. With one removed and the other trying to heal from surgery not even 6 months ago I am still ending up in the ER and my children have to deal with Mommy being in bed. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to Brad and it's no longer going to be part of my story if I can help it at all.
I am infertile...I don't ovulate...I don't get pregnant....I will die having never left any piece of my genetic self here to live on and remain. Because of my physical disability my sweet husband goes through the same thing. I love him so much for loving me beyond the earthly experience. He was meant for me and I know he is a special gift from my Heavenly Father! I cherish him more than I could ever express.
These thoughts have been swirling in my mind the past couple of days. I couldn't sleep tonight because of them. I don't know if I needed to write them down for me or if it is for someone else but here they are.
One thing that being infertile has taught me is compassion. I feel for other couples who go through all of this yuck. But I feel for those who suffer with any pain or heart ache. I feel for my friend who struggles with wrongs done to her, for another friend who has lost multiple babies. I feel for my friend who's hubby has been out of work all year and how it has affected their life and children. I feel sadness for my friend who just suffered a failed placement and for my sister who lost her only daughter at birth. I feel for my cute fertile friends who are so uncomfortable carrying their babies. While there were times it was hard to hear pregnant women complain I realize it was more because I was hurting inside not so much their complaints. I feel for my Mom who has pain everyday of her life...just getting out of bed is painful for her due to arthritis. The list could go on forever....my whole points is that I believe my infertility to be one of the greatest tools the Lord has used to teach me. The truth is we all go through pains, hurts, losses...trials. Each of us hurt as we struggle through. NO one is immune.
Elder Orson R. Whitney said: *“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”
The great news is that our Savior Jesus Christ has overcome all and we can lean on Him as we travel our journey of pain. We are not alone even when we feel like maybe we are!
*President Henry B. Eyring said “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
I love our Savior...He continues to help me along the way and bless me with the peace I need to continue my journey.
He is my true hope....a hope that is sure!!
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| Today the hope we have for our family is bright! I no longer look at our 1st anniversary and feel sad...I now see that Brad and I did in fact create our family with help from a Loving Heavenly Father who blessed us with amazing Birth Families! Brad and I have been blessed to create something extraordinary! |
*Quotes taken from The Atonement Covers All Pain by Kent F. Richards
~Special Thanks to my sister, Diane, for meeting me at the ER....it is hard to be alone when you are hurting and Brad was home with sleeping kids. Thanks Diane....I love you!!!
1 comment:
I love it! Beautiful! I know how you feel. My husband suffers from sterility but I still hold onto the pamphlet for donor sperm. Even though it is our every intention to adopt all of our kids I can't seem to throw it away. It is like I hold onto false hope as well.You have a beautiful family. It gives the rest of us hope.
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