Saturday, April 16, 2016


Sometime in very late January or early February I came home from work and Haley pulled me into the living room and poured her heart out to me about how badly she was being treated by friends and how much she just didn't want to deal with the pain anymore.   She cried harder than I have ever seen her cry and as I reach out to her and pulled her close to me and held her for a long time I realized she wasn't just totally heart broken but she was fiery hot with a fever.    She had a horrible cough to add to her horrible fever.   She was fragile emotionally and physically.   After talking on the phone with a doctor I learned how physical illness can make depression worse.   This  made complete sense and I wondered why I hadn't thought of it myself.   That night and many many nights following I slept downstairs on the couch so I could be by Haley.   Within a couple days I running a fever and coughing. By the 4th day the whole family was sick.   It was not a fun time in our home.   Haley and I had the worst of it.  We went to the doctor only to be told it was a virus and go home, rest and drink fluids.   It was the first time I think in my whole life  I called someone in my ward and asked for help with a meal.   And being the wonderful friends they are we were taken care of that night and a few nights following.

It was during this illness and intense concern for my daughter's health and well being that I had a breaking moment.   I cried harder than I had cried in a while.   I'm sure from the outsider's perspective I looked like I was crying only because I was so sick (which illness was a huge part of it) but there was so much more.  All the pain of all the trials from the past 12 months came down on me in a way I can't describe.   I think those feelings had been sitting there festering for a long time.   Feelings about all of my children's challenges, to my weight challenges, to the criticism I endured from others while serving in Young Women's, and difficult feelings coming from  the hurtful silence from those who should have come to our aid on our darkest days.    I was also letting out my feelings of sadness for all the things I couldn't give my children because we live too far away from everything.   And it wasn't just the distance... it was the financial struggle as we paid more and more towards doctors visits, ER visits and all things medical.  I felt locked into a life I didn't like anymore.   I wanted to give my children more experiences, more of my time and much sweeter memories.  I wanted them to have more time with a little closer to help cut a little time off his commute.  I knew on that very day I was done, but I had no idea how to share all of these tender feelings with Brad.  I wasn't sure how to tell him how I knew if we continued to live here I would heading to a mental breakdown.

Somehow in the Lord's own way He was able to help me communicate to Brad my needs.   And Brad heard me but more importantly Brad heard Him.   And here we are about a week away from moving.  A week away from a fresh start in a smaller house which doesn't have everything we dreamed we would have but has everything we need.   I have seen the Lord's hand guide us and help us! I have felt His tender mercies upon my family!

Haley has greatly improved!!!   I can see the happy girl who fills my life with sunshine!   I also see a a girl who is a little wiser and is open with her feelings more often.    Our whole family has been making changes for the better and we are working together to overcome the stumbling blocks.   I am feeling joy again and I have hope again and feel excited about our future!  I am ready for this incredible chance to make a fresh start!   Fresh sounds beautiful to me!!!

1 comment:

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