Saturday, April 16, 2016
It was during this illness and intense concern for my daughter's health and well being that I had a breaking moment. I cried harder than I had cried in a while. I'm sure from the outsider's perspective I looked like I was crying only because I was so sick (which illness was a huge part of it) but there was so much more. All the pain of all the trials from the past 12 months came down on me in a way I can't describe. I think those feelings had been sitting there festering for a long time. Feelings about all of my children's challenges, to my weight challenges, to the criticism I endured from others while serving in Young Women's, and difficult feelings coming from the hurtful silence from those who should have come to our aid on our darkest days. I was also letting out my feelings of sadness for all the things I couldn't give my children because we live too far away from everything. And it wasn't just the distance... it was the financial struggle as we paid more and more towards doctors visits, ER visits and all things medical. I felt locked into a life I didn't like anymore. I wanted to give my children more experiences, more of my time and much sweeter memories. I wanted them to have more time with Brad...be a little closer to help cut a little time off his commute. I knew on that very day I was done, but I had no idea how to share all of these tender feelings with Brad. I wasn't sure how to tell him how I knew if we continued to live here I would heading to a mental breakdown.
Somehow in the Lord's own way He was able to help me communicate to Brad my needs. And Brad heard me but more importantly Brad heard Him. And here we are about a week away from moving. A week away from a fresh start in a smaller house which doesn't have everything we dreamed we would have but has everything we need. I have seen the Lord's hand guide us and help us! I have felt His tender mercies upon my family!
Haley has greatly improved!!! I can see the happy girl who fills my life with sunshine! I also see a a girl who is a little wiser and is open with her feelings more often. Our whole family has been making changes for the better and we are working together to overcome the stumbling blocks. I am feeling joy again and I have hope again and feel excited about our future! I am ready for this incredible chance to make a fresh start! Fresh sounds beautiful to me!!!