Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Hurting Heart and a New Love

I feel like things are coming to the surface recently...feelings...lots of them.
I am amazed at the capacity we have as human beings to feel so many things at the same time and none of them are fleeting, they are strong and deep.
My heart hurts. Everyday I think of my favorite baby and I long for her.
I remember so many little things that make her so special and yet that is all I have to hold are memories.
I don't hear from her Dad anymore...I am not sure why. Maybe he is busy, maybe I am worrying for nothing and I will hear again soon. I hold on to hope that he hasn't dropped us like ball left alone until it just sits and waits for someone to make contact.
I don't know how to explain how I feel....it just hurts.
I get through days pretty well...I have felt alot of comfort and peace.
But there is still a feeling of loss...and an knowledge that I will never be the same again.
I think about my children's sweet Birth Mothers and my niece who placed her baby 6 weeks before Haley was placed with us and I feel an increase of gratitude for what they live with.

Then there is this new feeling of love that started...a love for a little boy. I call him Little Edward. When we first picked him up from the hospital I was determined to give him all I could and give him a great start and focus on that aspect of fostering. I never intended to not allow myself to love him but rather I thought I would try and focus on his needs and not my feelings. Six weeks into having him with us I realize I can't really ignore the feelings. I have fallen in love again.....I don't know how to turn that kind of motherly love off and I don't know that I would want to. I wondered when my favorite baby left if I would be able to love another baby....now I know....I can. Love is such a powerful and incredible gift we have been given. It knows no bounds and it never ceases to exist or grow if we are willing to have it with us. I didn't realize I could be hurting for one and be falling in love with another all at the same time.

Our journey to foster care started because we felt there was another child for our family. Doing another "traditional" adoption didn't feel right. I just never realized the winding road we would travel as we journey through foster care. I am so grateful we have been guided this direction. The loss of our favorite baby has been difficult but our love for her never wains. As we move forward with faith our hearts seem to grow bigger to make room for another child and we are blessed with hope that someday the right child for our eternal family will come along and we will look back on all of these children and we will know we were blessed by each one. The pain is always worth knowing them.
I remember the song that started it all for me....that planted the seed of foster care in my heart. "Do you have a little love to share?" The answer for us back then was yes we do have love to share.....but today we have more all thanks to a little girl named Ashanti and to our Father in Heaven who saw fit to send her to us for 8 precious months.


Tanya Hermansen said...

I am so glad you shared this. I wish I could help do something to mend the pain that you are feeling but I no there is nothing that I can do. You are such a stronger women and I know that through your faith in your Heavenly Father and the love you have for your Savior you will get through this painful time.
I love your blog! I had to take a long hiatius but I am finally back to enjoy.

Jill Oberhansley Johnson said...

I am so blessed to know you!

Kim said...

You are such a strong lady. Our hearts are amazing things, how we can love and hurt all at the same time, and how it can all be worth it seems so confusing. What an amazing plan we have. I bet Ashanti will always be a part of your family, if not now...someday. Love you.