Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Unreachable Me?

Camden at 8 months trying to reach Daddy's favorite drill.  Brad was so proud.  :)

For most of my life I have had an image of what I would like to be....I don't mean career or anything like that....but rather the type of person I want to be.  I have images of what kind of wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, homemaker etc I would like to become.  I am blessed to have many thoughts and ideas on how and what to do to help me reach my goals ....but so often I find I lack the resources to follow through with the ideas.  Sometimes it is money (or the lack of it) that holds me back.  Other times it is my own weaknesses or my own energy reserves or time constraints.   I have to admit this is a very frustrating pattern.   I feel like I can see it, plan it but can't execute.   I am a "do'er" but I can also see that I am weak in so many areas..it makes my goals feel unreachable.  

So I have decided I am going to do my best to change this about myself.  At least change the parts I have control over.   Money will not be falling from the sky anytime soon but I can find ways to "do".

While I was in my darkest place during my infertility grieving.. I felt broken.  I saw friends and family members that I loved being able to do this incredible thing....they could create a child.  Husband, wife and God worked together to create a miraculous miracle.   They would wait anxiously for 9 months to see the product of their creative work.  A beautiful baby would be born in the world and carry with them traces of their Mom and Dad.    This wonderful creation would go on and live life and at the right time would then go on to create life again....leaving traces of their progenitors on earth for future posterity.    While I rejoice in this ability that men and women have to do this incredible act.....there was a time it was so hard to accept that I couldn't.  Brad and I would never be a co-creator with God in that way.  It was even harder for me to accept that when I die there will be no physical trace of me here on this earth.  No one will carry on my light blue eyes, no one will have curly hair like me or have my singing voice.   I use to think of my ovaries as a prison that held my children in captivity.   I no longer see things in this way and I no longer hurt over the realities of being infertile.   But I do still long to create and leave something for my children to pass on.  

So what can I create?

I am going to find out what I can create in my life and family over the next few months.  Each Wednesday I will be posting a topic in my new "Creating Life" feature here on my blog.   I have been pondering this for a while now.   Part of my inspiration to allow myself to take this challenge comes from this talk by President Utdorf.  Below you will find a clip created from his talk.
It is my goal to create a meaningful life full of love, laughter and memories.
I challenge you to join with me and starting Creating Life.

4 comments:

Taska said...

I can relate to pretty much everything you said. I am also in your situation and have adopted two beautiful children. Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your life with those who can use the support.

Chad and Tara said...

Thank you so much for your post! I am a new reader to your blog and have enjoyed your inspiring thoughts. We are currently in the "finding" phase of adoption and have no children. I have often thought about this exact topic and I am excited to follow-up with your next posts!

Gibbs said...

I can't wait to read more posts on this. We are in the final stage of adoption. Well before the waiting that is. We are just waiting for approval.

Jessica said...

Brenda oh how I MISS YOU!!! You are always trying to better yourself and those around you. I love the comments you wrote about infertility. I had to grieve the loss of not having biological children but I have mostly moved on and just enjoy being a mother to my two beautiful children whom I love with my whole heart! I LOVE reading your blog it's so refreshing. I love how raw and honest you are. I don't get to read it as much as I would like to. I hope you will be at the conference in July I would LOVE to see you! I hope you and your cute family are doing well. Love you!